Fanny and the Servant Problem [15]
So make it as much as you can for my benefit. Good-bye. [He holds out hand.]
FANNY. You're not going? You'll stop to lunch?
NEWTE. Not to-day.
FANNY. Do. If you don't, they'll think it's because I was frightened to ask you.
NEWTE. All the better. The more the other party thinks he's having his way, the easier always to get your own. Your trouble is, you know, that you never had any tact.
FANNY. I hate tact. [Newte laughs.] We could have had such a jolly little lunch together. I'm all alone till the evening. There were ever so many things I wanted to talk to you about.
NEWTE. What?
FANNY. Ah, how can one talk to a man with his watch in his hand? [He puts it away and stands waiting, but she is cross.] I think you're very disagreeable.
NEWTE. I must really get back to town. I oughtn't to be away now, only your telegram -
FANNY. I know. I'm an ungrateful little beast! [She crosses and rings bell.] You'll have a glass of champagne before you go?
NEWTE. Well, I won't say no to that.
FANNY. How are all the girls?
NEWTE. Oh, chirpy. I'm bringing them over to London. We open at the Palace next week.
FANNY. What did they think of my marriage? Gerty was a bit jealous, wasn't she?
NEWTE. Well, would have been, if she'd known who he was. [Laughs.]
FANNY. Tell her. Tell her [she draws herself up] I'm Lady Bantock, of Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. It will make her so mad. [Laughs.]
NEWTE [laughs]. I will.
FANNY. Give them all my love. [Ernest appears in answer to her bell.] Oh, Ernest, tell Bennet--[the eyes and mouth of Ernest open]- -to see that Mr. Newte has some refreshment before he leaves. A glass of champagne and--and some caviare. Don't forget. [Ernest goes out.] Good-bye. You'll come again?
NEWTE. Whenever you want me--and remember--the watchword is "Tact"!
FANNY. Yes, I've got the WORD all right. [Laughs.] Don't forget to give my love to the girls.
NEWTE. I won't. So long! [He goes out.]
Fanny closes the door. Honoria has re-entered from the dressing- room. She looks from the handkerchief still hanging over the keyhole to Fanny.
HONORIA. Your ladyship's handkerchief?
FANNY. Yes. Such a draught through that keyhole.
HONORIA [takes the handkerchief, hands it to Fanny]. I will tell the housekeeper.
FANNY. Thanks. Maybe you will also mention it to the butler. Possibly also to the--[She suddenly changes.] Honoria. Suppose it had been you--you know, you're awfully pretty--who had married Lord Bantock, and he had brought you back here, among them all--uncle, aunt, all the lot of them--what would you have done?
HONORIA [she draws herself up]. I should have made it quite plain from the first, that I was mistress, and that they were my servants.
FANNY. You would, you think -
HONORIA [checking her outburst]. But then, dear--you will excuse my speaking plainly--there is a slight difference between the two cases. [She seats herself on the settee. Fanny is standing near the desk.] You see, what we all feel about you, dear, is--that you are--well, hardly a fit wife for his lordship. [Fanny's hands are itching to box the girl's ears. To save herself, she grinds out through her teeth the word "Tack!"] Of course, dear, it isn't altogether your fault.
FANNY. Thanks.
HONORIA. Your mother's marriage was most unfortunate.
FANNY [her efforts to suppress her feelings are just--but only just-- successful.] Need we discuss that?
HONORIA. Well, he was an Irishman, dear, there's no denying it. [Fanny takes a cushion from a chair--with her back to Honoria, she strangles it. Jane has entered and is listening.] Still, perhaps it is a painful subject. And we hope--all of us--that, with time and patience, we may succeed in eradicating the natural results of your bringing-up.
JANE. Some families, finding themselves in our position, would seek to turn it to their own advantage. WE think only of your good.
FANNY. Yes, that's what I feel--that you are worrying yourselves too much about
FANNY. You're not going? You'll stop to lunch?
NEWTE. Not to-day.
FANNY. Do. If you don't, they'll think it's because I was frightened to ask you.
NEWTE. All the better. The more the other party thinks he's having his way, the easier always to get your own. Your trouble is, you know, that you never had any tact.
FANNY. I hate tact. [Newte laughs.] We could have had such a jolly little lunch together. I'm all alone till the evening. There were ever so many things I wanted to talk to you about.
NEWTE. What?
FANNY. Ah, how can one talk to a man with his watch in his hand? [He puts it away and stands waiting, but she is cross.] I think you're very disagreeable.
NEWTE. I must really get back to town. I oughtn't to be away now, only your telegram -
FANNY. I know. I'm an ungrateful little beast! [She crosses and rings bell.] You'll have a glass of champagne before you go?
NEWTE. Well, I won't say no to that.
FANNY. How are all the girls?
NEWTE. Oh, chirpy. I'm bringing them over to London. We open at the Palace next week.
FANNY. What did they think of my marriage? Gerty was a bit jealous, wasn't she?
NEWTE. Well, would have been, if she'd known who he was. [Laughs.]
FANNY. Tell her. Tell her [she draws herself up] I'm Lady Bantock, of Bantock Hall, Rutlandshire. It will make her so mad. [Laughs.]
NEWTE [laughs]. I will.
FANNY. Give them all my love. [Ernest appears in answer to her bell.] Oh, Ernest, tell Bennet--[the eyes and mouth of Ernest open]- -to see that Mr. Newte has some refreshment before he leaves. A glass of champagne and--and some caviare. Don't forget. [Ernest goes out.] Good-bye. You'll come again?
NEWTE. Whenever you want me--and remember--the watchword is "Tact"!
FANNY. Yes, I've got the WORD all right. [Laughs.] Don't forget to give my love to the girls.
NEWTE. I won't. So long! [He goes out.]
Fanny closes the door. Honoria has re-entered from the dressing- room. She looks from the handkerchief still hanging over the keyhole to Fanny.
HONORIA. Your ladyship's handkerchief?
FANNY. Yes. Such a draught through that keyhole.
HONORIA [takes the handkerchief, hands it to Fanny]. I will tell the housekeeper.
FANNY. Thanks. Maybe you will also mention it to the butler. Possibly also to the--[She suddenly changes.] Honoria. Suppose it had been you--you know, you're awfully pretty--who had married Lord Bantock, and he had brought you back here, among them all--uncle, aunt, all the lot of them--what would you have done?
HONORIA [she draws herself up]. I should have made it quite plain from the first, that I was mistress, and that they were my servants.
FANNY. You would, you think -
HONORIA [checking her outburst]. But then, dear--you will excuse my speaking plainly--there is a slight difference between the two cases. [She seats herself on the settee. Fanny is standing near the desk.] You see, what we all feel about you, dear, is--that you are--well, hardly a fit wife for his lordship. [Fanny's hands are itching to box the girl's ears. To save herself, she grinds out through her teeth the word "Tack!"] Of course, dear, it isn't altogether your fault.
FANNY. Thanks.
HONORIA. Your mother's marriage was most unfortunate.
FANNY [her efforts to suppress her feelings are just--but only just-- successful.] Need we discuss that?
HONORIA. Well, he was an Irishman, dear, there's no denying it. [Fanny takes a cushion from a chair--with her back to Honoria, she strangles it. Jane has entered and is listening.] Still, perhaps it is a painful subject. And we hope--all of us--that, with time and patience, we may succeed in eradicating the natural results of your bringing-up.
JANE. Some families, finding themselves in our position, would seek to turn it to their own advantage. WE think only of your good.
FANNY. Yes, that's what I feel--that you are worrying yourselves too much about