her attention from his fingers slipping between her knees. I feel bad, Efraim, I feel bad and worthless. Fima whispered, You're wonderful, Annette, you thrill me, and as he spoke his finger crept closer to her sex and stopped, ready to be repulsed unceremoniously. When it was clear to him that she was totally absorbed in her predicament, repeatedly describing in broken whispers the injustice she had suffered, as though she did not notice what he was up to, he began to play on her gently, struggling to dismiss from his mind her husband's habit of tapping, until she sighed and laid her hand on the back of his neck, and said, You're so good. From this whisper he drew the courage to touch her breasts and to lodge his desire against the side of her body, still not daring to rub himself against her. He simply went on stroking her here and there, learning the strings, uttering whispers of reassurance and consolation that he himself did not listen to. Until at last he sensed that his patience was beginning to pay off: he felt a responsive ripple, a slight arching, a tremor, even though she still went on talking, grieving, explaining to herself and to him where she went wrong, how she may have made Yeri hate her, how she wronged her husband and her children, and confessing in the dark that besides the Amsterdam episode there had been two other affairs, with a couple of his friends, frivolous, foolish affairs admittedly, but possibly that meant she deserved what had happened to her. Meanwhile his finger found the right rhythm and her sighs were interspersed with groans, and she did not protest when he began rubbing his erection against her thigh. Fima therefore went along with her pretense of being overwhelmed with sorrow, so that she did not even notice her underwear being removed, her body still responding and her thighs gripping his musician's fingers as her own fingers stroked his neck. But at the very moment he decided that his own moment was ripe, and he was on the point of substituting his body for his finger, her body arched like a bow and she released a soft, childlike cry of surprised delight. And the next instant she relaxed. And burst into tears again. Feebly she pummeled his chest, wailing, Why did you do that to me? Why have you humiliated me? I was a wreck even without you. Then she turned her back on him and cried to herself like a baby. Fima knew he was too late. He had missed. For an instant there welled up inside him a mixture of laughter and anger and frustration and self-mockery: at that instant he could have shot the sweet-smiling settler dead with his lawyer and his member of parliament, while he called himself an idiot. Then he collected himself, and reconciled himself to the need to forgive and forget.
He got up, covered Annette, and asked her gently if he should pour her another drop of liqueur. Or should he make some tea?
She sat up violently, clutching the grubby sheet to her chest, groped for a cigarette, lit it furiously, and said:
"What a bastard you are."
Fima, who was struggling to dress while covering himself to hide his shameful rhino horn, muttered like a punished child:
"But what have I done? I didn't do anything to you."
And he knew that these words were both true and false, and he almost burst into grim laughter, almost mumbled, Azoy. But he controlled himself, apologized, blamed himself, he couldn't understand what had come over him, it was being with her that put him in a spin and made him forget himself, could she find it in her to forgive him?
She dressed hurriedly, roughly, like an angry old woman, with her back to him; she combed her hair violently, her tears dried. She lit a fresh cigarette and told Fima to call her a taxi and never to phone her again. When he asked if he could see her downstairs, she replied in a flat, icy voice:
"That will not be necessary. Good-bye."
Fima got under the shower. Even though the water was tepid, almost cold, he steeled himself, lathered himself thoroughly, and stayed under for a long time. The real villain of the three, he mused, was the lawyer.