First They Killed My Father_ A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers - Loung Ung [53]
“No, they are too young,” Ma pleads with him. Unable to stop my eyes from twitching, I roll over to my side. Ma and Pa become quiet, waiting for me to go back to sleep. Staring at Kim’s back, I force myself to breathe regularly.
“I want them to be safe, to live, but I cannot send them away. They are too young and cannot defend themselves. Not now but soon.” His voice trails off.
Beside Chou, Geak kicks and moans in her sleep, almost as if she senses impending doom. Ma picks her up and puts her down between Pa and herself. I roll over once more, this time facing Chou’s back. I spy Ma and Pa asleep facing each other on their sides with Geak in the middle, their hands touching above Geak’s head.
The next evening, while sitting with Kim outside on the steps of our hut, I think how the world is still somehow beautiful even when I feel no joy at being alive within it. It is still dark and the shimmering sunset of red, gold, and purple over the horizon makes the sky look magical. Maybe there are gods living up there after all. When are they going to come down and bring peace to our land? When I focus my eyes back on the earth, I see two men in black walking toward us with their rifles casually hanging on their backs.
“Is your father here?” one of them asks us.
“Yes,” Kim answers. Pa hears them and comes out of the hut, his body rigid as our family gathers around him.
“What can I do for you?” Pa says.
“We need your help. Our ox wagon is stuck in the mud a few kilometers away. We need you to help us drag it out.”
“Could you please wait for a moment so that I can talk to my family?” The soldiers nod to Pa. Pa and Ma go inside the hut. Moments later, Pa comes out alone. Inside, I hear Ma sobbing quietly. Opposite the soldiers, Pa straightens his shoulders, and for the first time since the Khmer Rouge takeover, he stands tall. Thrusting out his chin and holding his head high, he tells the soldiers he is ready to go. Looking up at him, I see his chest inflates and exhales deeply, and his jaw is square as he clenches his teeth. I reach up my hand and lightly tug at his pant leg. I want to make him feel better about leaving us. Pa puts his hand on my head and tousles my hair. Suddenly he surprises me and picks me up off the ground. His arms tight around me, Pa holds me and kisses my hair. It has been a long time since he has held me this way. My feet dangling in the air, I squeeze my eyes shut and wrap my arms around his neck, not wanting to let go.
“My beautiful girl,” he says to me as his lips quiver into a small smile. “I have to go away with these two men for a while.”
“When will you be back, Pa?” I ask him.
“He will be back tomorrow morning,” one of the soldiers replies for Pa. “Don’t worry, he’ll be back before you know it.”
“Can I go with you, Pa? It’s not too far. I can help you.” I beg him to let me go with him.
“No, you cannot go with me. I have to go. You kids be good and take care of yourselves,” and he puts me down. He walks slowly to Chou and takes Geak from her arms. Looking into her face, he cradles her and gently rocks her back and forth before bending and gathering Chou into his arms also. His head high and his chest puffed out like a small man, Kim walks over to Pa and stands quietly next to him. Letting go of Chou and Geak, Pa stoops down and lays both hands on Kim’s shoulders. As Kim’s face crumbles, Pa’s face is rigid and calm. “Look after your Ma, your sisters, and yourself,” he says.
Pa walks away with a soldier on either side of him. I stand there and wave to him. I watch Pa’s figure get smaller and smaller, and still I wave to him, hoping he will turn around and wave back. He never does. I watch until his figure disappears into the horizon of red and gold. When I can