First They Killed My Father_ A Daughter of Cambodia Remembers - Loung Ung [54]
“Ma, don’t cry, the soldiers said Pa will be back tomorrow morning.” I lay my hand on hers. Her body shakes at my touch. I walk outside to where my siblings are sitting on the step and sit next to Chou, who holds Geak in her arms. Together we wait for Pa, sitting on the stairs, staring at the path that took him away. We pray it will bring Pa back to us tomorrow.
As the sky turns black, the clouds rush in to hide all the stars. On the steps, Chou, Kim, Geak, and I sit waiting for Pa until Ma orders us in to sleep. Inside the hut, I lie on my back, my arms folded across my chest. Chou and Kim breathe deeply, quietly, but I do not know if they are asleep. Ma is on her side, facing Chou. She has one arm around Geak, and the other rests above Geak’s head. Outside the wind blows in the branches, and the leaves rustle and sing to each other. The clouds part, and the moon and stars shine and give life to the night. In the morning, the sun will come up and the day creatures will wake. But for us, time stands still that night.
I wake up the next morning to see Ma sitting on the steps. Her face is swollen and she looks like she has not slept all night. She is crying softly to herself and is miles away. “Ma, is Pa back yet?” Not answering me, she squints her eyes and continues to look at the path that took Pa away. “The soldiers said Pa would come back in the morning. I guess he’s late. He’s late, that’s all. I know he will return to us.” As I speak, my lungs constrict and I gasp for air. Fighting for breath, my thoughts race and I wonder what this all really means. It is morning and Pa is not back! Where is he? I sit with my siblings, facing the road, looking for Pa. I think up reasons why Pa is late returning to us. The wagon is broken in the mud, the oxen would not move, the soldiers needed Pa to help them fix the wagon. I try to believe my excuses and make them reasonable, but my heart is filled with fear.
Telling the chief we are ill, we receive permission to stay home. All morning and afternoon, we wait for Pa to walk back to us. When night comes, the gods again taunt us with a radiant sunset. “Nothing should be this beautiful,” I quietly say to Chou. “The gods are playing tricks on us. How could they be so cruel and still make the sky so lovely?” My words tug at my heart. It is unfair of the gods to show us beauty when I am in so much pain and anguish. “I want to destroy all the beautiful things.”
“Don’t say such things or the spirits will hear,” Chou warns me. I don’t care what she says. This is what the war has done to me. Now I want to destroy because of it. There is such hate and rage inside me now. The Angkar has taught me to hate so deeply that I now know I have the power to destroy and kill.
Soon darkness covers the land and still Pa has not returned. We sit on the steps waiting for him together in silence. No words are exchanged as ours eyes search the fields waiting for him to come home. We all know that Pa will not return, but no one dares to say it out loud for it will shatter our illusion of hope. With darkness, the flies disappear and the mosquitoes appear to feast on our flesh. Ma holds Geak in her arms. Every once in a while, Ma’s arms fan Geak’s body to chase away the mosquitoes. As if picking up on Ma’s pain, Geak kisses her cheek softly and caresses her hair.
“Ma, where’s Pa?” Geak asks, but Ma only responds with silence.
“Go inside, all you kids, go inside,” Ma tells us in a tired voice.
“You should come in with us. We can all wait inside,” Chou says to her.
“No, I’d rather wait out here and greet him when he returns.” Chou takes Geak from Ma and goes into the hut. Kim and I follow her, leaving Ma sitting on the steps by herself, waiting for Pa to return.
Listening to Geak and Chou breathing softly, my eyes stay