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the comfort zone is also a self-defence mechanism for dealing with uncertainly and stress – we cut out the world by behaving as if some parts of it are not present. We want the uncertainty to disappear. So we even categorise the new as the old, for example, when having been seasick on a rough ferry crossing makes someone turn down their next chance to visit somewhere potentially exciting. Many people prefer the certain and the known (i.e. they know they won’t get seasick on dry land so never go farther afield). And our personality – our narrow range of behaviours – suits us well. It fits what we see and do, because we reshape our world to fit, not because we try harder to fit with the world.

This is why we need to do something different and really new to help increase our behavioural flexibility. Otherwise the pull of the comfort zone is too strong and habits spring back to guide how we respond. In our experience, people often need a ‘licence’ to move outside their habits, and when they do, things turn out to be fun and interesting, and not as ‘uncomfortable’ as they had feared.

30. The stress and inefficiency zone

To illustrate the problems that are caused by habitual behaviours and the comfort zones, look at Figure 1. It illustrates one person’s comfort zone on just one behavioural dimension, unassertiveness-assertiveness. Each end of the dimensional scale has a darker shaded area. These signify the unacceptable ends of the dimension. So being extremely assertive might be bullying or even killing others. Extreme unassertiveness might manifest as being very inert or even comatose. The paler shaded area in between, making up most of the bar, represents a possible range of acceptable behaviours that could be used according to circumstance. All of those behaviours would be acceptable, but whether they are ideal would depend upon the particular circumstance or situation.

1. flex and personality traits

The box represents the constrained personality of one individual. In this case theirs includes some unacceptable behaviours (the box overlaps the darker end of the scale so, for example, perhaps the person is sometimes violent with their partner).

The range of behaviours they feel comfortable using (illustrated by the box) is very small. They’re probably using only 1/10th of their potential repertoire. This could be because they are habitual, inflexible or lacking in awareness of how they come across.

As the person is at the assertive end of the scale, a large range of acceptable behaviours fall outside their comfort zone. When a situation occurs that requires a behaviour not in their range (represented by the vertical line on the diagram) the consequences for them will usually be negative. It may be, for example, that they know they should be doing things differently but cannot – perhaps out of habit or ignorance of what the right action would be. In this situation they are likely to experience a good deal of stress. We call the gap between their personality range and the situational demand the ‘stress and inefficiency zone’.

This person has a narrow range of personality-led behaviours and may not even realise there are other ways of responding. This may not lead to stress in the short term in them (because they are unaware), but it is likely to be a very unproductive and ineffective way of getting the most out of life. It will probably cause stress and negative feelings in others too, and the ‘kickback’ from others may cause further stress in the longer term.

31. Behaving differently with different people

Of course, many people do behave differently with different people. Some people do not stay in the same personality box all the time. Figure 2, for example, shows the same person we saw above but this time interacting with a work colleague (person 2) rather than with their spouse (person 1). The range of behaviour the person displays shows a very different pattern.

2. Person-specific comfort zones and behaviour

In the figure the person shows a wider range of acceptable behaviours towards