Focus - Leo Babauta [38]
Technology presents yet another challenge. Parents these days are connected more than ever. Not only are we online more than ever before, we now have devices that keep us connected wherever we go: iPhones and Androids and Blackberries and iPads and laptops and iPod touches. While our teenager is texting us, we're getting work emails, along with requests from our civic commitments, and a notification of a blog post about our favorite hobby.
Children make a parent's attempt to find focus a bigger challenge than usual. People without children aren't likely to understand this, so we're not given breaks by our bosses or colleagues -- saying that you had to take your kid to the dentist, or that your baby kept you up all night crying, isn't likely to get you off the hook. After all, we signed up to be parents, didn't we?
Still, it's uniquely difficult: there isn't a minute, it seems, when our kids don't need something, or have a problem, or want attention, or have an appointment or practice they need to be taken to. And if there are moments when they're not requiring our attention, often we're thinking about things we need to be doing with them, for them. We're thinking about what we should be doing but aren't: reading to them more, taking them to parks to play, teaching them to build or garden or write, working on craft projects, taking them to museums, handing down the key lessons in life.
It ain't easy. But you knew that.
one approach
With so many hats, an effective way to find focus is to segregate your roles. Block them off into separate chunks of your day or week. And then focus on each individually, whenever possible.
So set aside certain times of your day for different roles, and block out distractions from the other roles.
An example:
Early mornings: wake early, before the kids are up, and spend time with yourself. Go for a run, meditate, do yoga, read a novel. Or use this time for creating: draw, design, write, etc.
Mid mornings: When the kids are up, help them get ready for school, get yourself ready for work, get lunches packed, etc. This is your time as a parent, and don't do anything work-related. Talk with your kids if you find a moment.
Later mornings: Set aside for work. If you work from home, don't do any household duties.
Afternoon: Do the household duties. Or more work.
Late afternoon: Spend time with kids. Block out work.
Early evening: Some personal time. Let the kids do their homework, and you focus on yourself.
Late evening: Read to your child, spend a little quiet time with her, put her to bed.
Obviously this is just an example, and won't work for everyone. You'll need to find the schedule that works for you. Perhaps you work best in the evenings, or you can't do any work until your spouse gets home to take care of the kids, or you need to spend time with the kids all morning. There's no One Size Fits All when it comes to parenting, but to the extent that you can block off your day, it helps.
You'll also need to be flexible. It can be a problem when someone is so fixed on a daily routine that disruptions to the routine -- a last minute meeting, a call from your kids' school that your daughter is sick -- will cause anxiety. As parents, of course, we learn to adapt, to deal with interruptions and changes. We need to calmly accept changes to our schedule, but as we switch to a new role (parenting, work, personal, civic, etc.), we need to learn to do only that role, again to the extent possible.
very young children
I should note that it's harder for parents of babies and toddlers. The younger the child, in general, the more demanding on your attention the child can be. That's not a hard-and-fast rule, of course, but in my experience (I have six kids), it gets easier to focus on other things as the child gets older.
So how do you segregate roles and find focus when your child is young and always demands your attention? It's not easy, I'll say that. The best solution involves both parents pitching in, and giving the other a break once or twice a day. So instead