Full Frontal Feminism_ A Young Women's Guide to Why Feminism Matters - Jessica Valenti [11]
Note: Yes, I realize that I’m focusing on the physical aspect of sex, rather than the emotional. That’s because it’s generally the physical part where women are getting fucked-up messages about sex.
Reclaiming Your Number
It’s easy to say that sex is a good thing. Living it is the hard part. Women have been taught for so long that having sex—or even just hooking up—means that you’re a slut, so it’s kind of a hard thing to get over. But if sex is a good thing, then why should we be ashamed that we’re having it?
It’s time to come out of the “fucking” closet!
Most women are all too familiar with the sexual double standard that says women are big hoochies for having sex but guys are players. And while most of us know it’s total bullshit, we still follow the rules somewhat. My first experience with the good-girls-don’t double standard came after a hiatus with a high school boyfriend. Though both of us had seen other people during our break from each other, turns out I was the big slut. The explanation by my then-boyfriend was predictable: Men are supposed to be slutty and women need to remain monogamous. It’s in our genes, apparently.
If someone tries to pull this argument on you, make sure to call bullshit. The whole men-are-driven-to-spread-their-seed thing is just plain archane. Read Natalie Angier’s amazing book Woman: An Intimate Geography for the hardcore facts. I promise it’s worth it.
Since that long-ago high school drama, the sexual double standard has continued to be one of the most infuriating aspects of sexism for me. I’ve seen otherwise-great male friends turn away potential girlfriends because of their number of sexual partners; I’ve had female friends who, upon hearing my “number,” told me I must must must keep it a secret. You know, ’cause the more dicks you encounter, the quicker you go to hell.
Research shows that women react just as strongly to erotic images as men do.
The Almighty Cock
Rambling aside, why is it that penises define how slutty women are? What about women who aren’t straight? According to societal norms, it’s not even real sex unless a dick is involved. So should lesbians rest assured that they’re not the nasty sluts their hetero sisters are? If I get oral from every girl on the block, am I slutty? (Or just smart?) Sorry, it just makes me crazy that whether I’m a whore is completely dependent on cock.
Cock or not, if it’s one person or fifty—why all the shame? If you’re making responsible, informed decisions that make you happy, who cares. In the timeless words of Salt ’n Pepa: “If I/wanna take a guy/home with me tonight/it’s none of your business.”
What’s strangest to me is that the same people who adhere to the rules of the double-standard game will admit its flawed logic. Everyone knows it’s screwed up; it’s just that most people have given up. Or if you’re a guy, perhaps you like the idea that you can whore around but “good” girls can’t.
So it’s really up to young women to fix this mess; we have to take the lead. Young women need to not just ignore the double standard, but to actively fight it by being proud of sex. I’m not saying you should hand out flyers with all the names of your sexual partners and a play-by-play of your favorite positions. But there’s a lot of power in just telling the truth without any shame. If you lie about the number of people you have sex with, or if you call another girl a slut and mean it in a nasty way, you’re supporting the notion that it’s not okay for women to have sex when they want to, or with as many people as they want to. And please note that I’m saying when they want to. While I know it’s all too common, there’s nothing lamer than hooking up with someone for reasons other than desire and/or love.
I know it’s easier said than done, but there will always be someone who will judge you . . . even if