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This is partly because some women don’t even realize that they’ve been raped. I know that sounds bizarre, but it’s true. We’ve bought in to the whole guys-deserving-access-to-women thing, too. Some women think that if force wasn’t used, it wasn’t rape. Some women think that they “deserved” it. Or that they “owed” a guy sex. ’Cause he bought her dinner or something. I shit you not.

So what is rape, anyway? Not to get all technical and educator-ish—because I’m well aware that plenty of women know all this—but it’s worth going over.

The legal definition differs from state to state, but the generally accepted definition is forced intercourse (vaginal, anal, or oral)—force being physical or psychological coercion. Men can be raped. Rape is not always heterosexual; women can rape women, men can rape men.

Sexual assault is different. It’s unwanted sexual contact, like grabbing, fondling, or other nasties. (I’m thinking of the douchebag on the subway when I was in high school who rubbed up against me. Shudder.)

I think the hardest thing to understand about rape and sexual assault is how—after we’ve supposedly come so far—it still happens and we’re so quick to excuse it. After years of legislation, awareness-raising, and activism, women are still being blamed for being the victims of violent crimes.

Blaming the Victim

You would think that in this day and age, blaming the victim would be long gone. If only we were so lucky. Here are just a few of the common rape-blaming techniques. (They come in handy during rape trials.)

WEARING A SKIRT EQUALS OPEN FOR BUSINESS

The outfit argument is one that never seems to get old. It’s been around forever, but it may be the most bizarre victim-blaming tactic of them all. Here’s the idea: If you’re wearing something that could be considered “slutty,” like (gasp!) a skirt, you were asking to be raped. Or you were teasing those poor guys who just can’t help themselves (they learned that in abstinence ed, remember?). This never made sense to me on so many levels, but I imagine that guys must find it pretty insulting. It basically means that they’re just big, dumb animals unable to control themselves within one hundred yards of a miniskirt. I don’t know about you, but I think we should give men some credit. Not to mention we should be able to wear whatever the fuck we want without fear of rape. Even more strange? Your outfit doesn’t even have to be revealing for you to be blamed for it. A supreme court in Italy actually overturned a rape conviction because the victim was wearing jeans. The argument was that she must have agreed to sex because her jeans couldn’t have been removed without her help.2 Yeah.

GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN

Another fave blaming tactic is the “impaired” argument. So if you’re drunk or otherwise fucked up, you’re not to be trusted. Or you should have seen it coming. I remember seeing one of those anti-drug commercials a while back that was supposed to be about marij uana. It showed a house party where a youngish teen girl was smoking pot. It then showed her passing out on a couch and a creepy-looking guy coming to sit down next to her. He looks around and then starts to put his hand down her shirt. The screen fades out and you hear the girl say “no” in kind of a whisper. Here’s the kicker: After the screen fades out, the message says, “Marijuana lowers your inhibitions.” Huh? But she was the one smoking, so I guess her inhibitions were lowered enough to be passed out and assaulted? Yeah, victim-blaming at its government-funded best.

Another example: A writer for The Wall Street Journal, Naomi Schaefer Riley, wrote a piece on the rape and murder of New York college student Imette St. Guillen. Riley wrote that the student “was last seen in a bar, alone and drinking at 3 AM,” and that “a twenty-four-year-old woman should know better.”3 I guess St. Guillen wasn’t aware of the woman-only curfew and alcohol prohibition. Do you really want to live in a world where someone is going to blame you for being raped (and murdered!) just for going to a bar