Full Frontal Feminism_ A Young Women's Guide to Why Feminism Matters - Jessica Valenti [45]
You can also try asking a date or someone you’re interested in whom they voted for in the last presidential election. (Remember, no dating people who voted for anti-choice folks.) I also used to love to wear a shirt that read I DON’T FUCK REPUBLICANS. That was a great weeder-outer, especially during election season. But in all seriousness, finding someone who is beyond all the bullshit is no easy task. It’s even harder finding someone who doesn’t fall for all of the feminist stereotypes. Sometimes they’ll think you’re going to be a man-hater (or that you are), that you’re too opinionated, that you talk too much. These people are to be dumped immediately. Waste no time on closet misogynists.
Then there are the folks who think the idea of dating a feminist is superneat—in the beginning. These faux feminist-lovers will rave about how great it is to date a gal with an opinion. They may even go to a feminist event with you. Several months later, they’ll tire of the novelty of dating a cool girl and will wonder aloud where their dinner is.
But be patient.
Sooner or later, you’ll find someone who gets it. And when that happens, you’ll thank me. I swear.
Okay, on to actual etiquette.
The whole “who pays?” argument is always tricky. It’s a subject that always generates craziness on Feministing. I don’t know why it’s considered so controversial, honestly. My position has always been: Whoever did the asking-out pays. And when it comes to relationships, I’ve always gone by the whoever-makes-more-money rule. Or just plain taking turns. Not so hard, right? When I was living with my college boyfriend, there were times when he was broke and I paid the rent. Later, he had tons of money and I had none, so he would pay for everything. The idea that men should pay for women just irks me. Believe me, I like free meals—I’m Italian, after all. But expecting a guy to pay for you all the time is the equivalent of saying that you need someone to take care of you. And hopefully that’s not the case. You’re not a child. You’re not helpless. You can pay for your own meals. And even your date’s if you’re so inclined.
What also bugs me about the guy-always-paying model of dating is the expectation that you should get what you pay for. That somehow, you’ll “owe” a guy (and we all know exactly what you owe him) for taking you out. This isn’t to say that some guys aren’t just generous and nice and will expect nothing in return. And I’m also not saying that it’s not occasionally nice to have someone—guy or gal—take you out on a date on their dime. But men’s consistently paying for women sets up a power dynamic that women shouldn’t be comfortable with.
Among women born after 1960,a college graduate is more likely to get married than her less-educat counterparts.
This also relates to drink-buying when you’re out. If a guy buys you a drink, all of sudden he thinks he’s bought your time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat and listened to some jerk ramble on just because he bought me a $5 vodka tonic. Then, of course, I finally decided that someone’s buying me a drink didn’t mean I had to hang out with him all night. I had more than one experience of getting shit for it from the buyer. “Hey, I bought you a drink; you can’t go anywhere!” Ew. I’m all for chatting up someone who was nice enough to buy me a drink. But one drink doesn’t mean I owe you my whole night. I think someone’s offering to buy you a drink can be a nice gesture, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with accepting (or telling them hells no, for that matter). But, let’s be honest, it’s kind of wack to expect drinks, just as it’s in poor taste to expect someone to talk to you all night because you bought one.
A random note on Ladies’ Night at bars: It’s fun to get free or discounted drinks. Ladies’ Night was my fave back in the day when I went out midweek. But, as I came to realize as I got a little older—and more sober—there is something inherently creepy about the idea of Ladies’ Night. The bars want to bring in paying guys, and they figure the best way to do that is promise