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In 6 conservatives and ca er groups tried to block a vaccine that prevents cervical cancer(which kills 200,000 women worldwide every year) because they were afraid it would make teen girls slutty. Better cancer than sex, apparently.

Apparently, not so much. Schools that get federal funding for abstinence-only sex ed can’t teach safe-sex practices. You heard right. They can’t even talk about it. Because god forbid your kids have safe sex. Much better that they resort to only-a-slut-would-use-a-condom sex. But what’s just as disturbing as the bad science behind these programs is the unapologetic sexist crap they’re spewing.

One program teaches that women need “financial support,” while men need “admiration.”4 Another tells students: “Women gauge their happiness and judge their success on their relationships. Men’s happiness and success hinge on their accomplishments.”5 Yeah. I’ll just let that one sit for a bit.

Another program tells a faux-fairytale that isn’t so much about sex as about how women need to keep their mouths shut. One book used in abstinence curricula, Choosing the Best, tells the story of a knight who saves a princess from a dragon (original, I know). When the knight arrives to save her, the princess offers some ideas on how to kill the dragon. Her ideas work, but the knight feels emasculated, so he goes off and marries a village maiden, “only after making sure she knew nothing about nooses or poison.”

The curriculum concludes with the moral of the story: “Occasional suggestions and assistance may be all right, but too much of them will lessen a man’s confidence or even turn him away from his princess.”6

Hear that, gals? Shh . . . if you let on that you’re smart, your prince on the white horse is likely to run scared!

Abstinence programs are also huge fans of making sex the ladies’ responsibility. It’s up to us to make sure it doesn’t happen, because guys just can’t help themselves. One program actually advises girls:

❂ Watch what you wear. If you don’t aim to please, don’t aim to tease. The liberation movement has produced some aggressive girls, and one of the tough challenges for guys who say no will be the questioning of their manliness. And because females generally become aroused less easily, they’re in a good position to help young men learn balance in relationships by keeping intimacy in perspective.7

The logic is laughable. Seems that girls don’t get horny, so it’s up to us to make sure that The Sex doesn’t happen. And if it does, well, you should have kept your legs closed, you big dummy. But really and truly, the following gem is my fave. It comes from an “educator” speaking at an abstinence conference last year: “Your body is a wrapped lollipop. When you have sex with a man, he unwraps your lollipop and sucks on it. It may feel great at the time, but unfortunately, when he’s done with you, all you have left for your next partner is a poorly wrapped, saliva-fouled sucker.”8

Holy. Shit. Is that clear enough for you? Without your precious “lollipop,” you’re a piece-of-shit, dirty-ass, already-sucked-on candy. Which is supposedly why you have to hold on to your most precious commodity—your virginity.

Our Hymens, Ourselves

I have never really understood what the big deal was about virginity. Really. Mine was lost without a great deal of fanfare to a high school boyfriend whom I dated for several years afterward. I expected to feel different—I didn’t. The whole precious-flower-virginity thing always seemed silly to me. So imagine my surprise when I found out that I was just a used-up piece of trash (or candy) without it.

Remember how back in the day, your virginity was a valuable commodity and your “purity” was pretty much what your dad banked on to get a good price for when you got married? You think that’s all in the past? Not even close.

One of the most disturbing stories I’ve ever heard was about Jessica Simpson and her dad, Joe. A gossip mag reported that during a ceremony when Jessica was twelve years old, Joe made her promise to