Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [11]
above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting my eye upon the APOCRYPHA books, I found it in ECCLESIASTICUS, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine before my face.
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE SHOULD BE PAST AND GONE? How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE IS PAST? And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of BEDFORD, and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, COMPEL THEM TO COME IN, THAT MY HOUSE MAY BE FILLED; AND YET THERE IS ROOM. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, AND YET THERE IS ROOM, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed.
69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.
70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on NEBUCHADNEZZAR; of whom it is said, HE HAD GIVEN HIM ALL THE KINGDOMS OF THE EARTH. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that MOSES counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the CLEAN, types of them that were the people of God; but the UNCLEAN, types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts CHEWED THE CUD; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also PARTED THE HOOF. I thought that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did chew the
66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE SHOULD BE PAST AND GONE? How if you have overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE IS PAST? And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of BEDFORD, and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.
67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.
68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, COMPEL THEM TO COME IN, THAT MY HOUSE MAY BE FILLED; AND YET THERE IS ROOM. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, AND YET THERE IS ROOM, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation. This I then verily believed.
69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.
70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on NEBUCHADNEZZAR; of whom it is said, HE HAD GIVEN HIM ALL THE KINGDOMS OF THE EARTH. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that MOSES counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the CLEAN, types of them that were the people of God; but the UNCLEAN, types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts CHEWED THE CUD; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also PARTED THE HOOF. I thought that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did chew the