Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [12]
cud, as the HARE; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the SWINE, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thought the HARE to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the SWINE was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world MUST BE CALLED BY HIM HERE; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first- fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in heaven above.
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a CHRISTIAN'S CALLING! as when the Lord said to one, FOLLOW ME; and to another, COME AFTER ME: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN, AND CALLETH UNTO HIM WHOM HE WOULD, AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called WHOM HE WOULD. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES, WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN PETER; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN; OR, WOULD I HAD BEEN BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM, HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED, O LORD, CALL ME ALSO! BUT, OH! I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD, THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED, FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in BEDFORD, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a CHRISTIAN'S CALLING! as when the Lord said to one, FOLLOW ME; and to another, COME AFTER ME: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN, AND CALLETH UNTO HIM WHOM HE WOULD, AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called WHOM HE WOULD. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES, WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN PETER; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN; OR, WOULD I HAD BEEN BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM, HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED, O LORD, CALL ME ALSO! BUT, OH! I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD, THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED, FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in BEDFORD, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my