Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [13]
wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, WHO, WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM, WAS THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL, AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM, THAT HE LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED, FOAMING. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: LORD, BREAK THESE GATES OF BRASS, AND CUT THESE BARS OF IRON ASUNDER. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I GIRDED THEE, THOUGH THOU HAST NOT KNOWN ME. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, WHO, WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM, WAS THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL, AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM, THAT HE LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED, FOAMING. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: LORD, BREAK THESE GATES OF BRASS, AND CUT THESE BARS OF IRON ASUNDER. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I GIRDED THEE, THOUGH THOU HAST NOT KNOWN ME. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore