Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [15]
A CAUSE. 3. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN HATED OF THE WORLD. 4. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN UNDER TEMPTATION AND UNDER DESTRUCTION. 5. CHRIST'S LOVE, FROM FIRST TO LAST.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; IF IT BE SO, THAT THE SAVED SOUL IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN UNDER TEMPTATION AND DESERTION; THEN POOR TEMPTED SOUL, WHEN THOU ART ASSAULTED, AND AFFLICTED WITH TEMPTATIONS, AND THE HIDINGS OF GOD'S FACE, YET THINK ON THESE TWO WORDS, 'My love,' STILL.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, WHAT SHALL I GET BY THINKING ON THESE TWO WORDS? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY DOVE, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, BUT IS IT TRUE, BUT IS IT TRUE? At which that sentence fell upon me, HE WIST NOT THAT IT WAS TRUE, WHICH WAS DONE BY THE ANGEL. Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY LOVE, AND NOTHING SHALL SEPARATE THEE FROM MY LOVE. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, WELL, I WOULD I HAD A PEN AND INK HERE, I WOULD WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE I GO ANY FARTHER; FOR SURELY I WILL NOT FORGET THIS FORTY YEARS HENCE. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, SIMON, SIMON; BEHOLD, SATAN HATH DESIRED TO HAVE YOU, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, SIMON, SIMON, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; IF IT BE SO, THAT THE SAVED SOUL IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN UNDER TEMPTATION AND DESERTION; THEN POOR TEMPTED SOUL, WHEN THOU ART ASSAULTED, AND AFFLICTED WITH TEMPTATIONS, AND THE HIDINGS OF GOD'S FACE, YET THINK ON THESE TWO WORDS, 'My love,' STILL.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, WHAT SHALL I GET BY THINKING ON THESE TWO WORDS? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY DOVE, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, BUT IS IT TRUE, BUT IS IT TRUE? At which that sentence fell upon me, HE WIST NOT THAT IT WAS TRUE, WHICH WAS DONE BY THE ANGEL. Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY LOVE, AND NOTHING SHALL SEPARATE THEE FROM MY LOVE. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, WELL, I WOULD I HAD A PEN AND INK HERE, I WOULD WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE I GO ANY FARTHER; FOR SURELY I WILL NOT FORGET THIS FORTY YEARS HENCE. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, SIMON, SIMON; BEHOLD, SATAN HATH DESIRED TO HAVE YOU, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, SIMON, SIMON, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God therein.
96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one