Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [16]
piece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God?
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, HOW CAN YOU TELL BUT THAT THE Turks HAD AS GOOD SCRIPTURES TO PROVE THEIR Mahomet THE SAVIOUR, AS WE HAVE TO PROVE OUR JESUS IS? AND, COULD I THINK, THAT SO MANY TEN THOUSANDS, IN SO MANY COUNTRIES AND KINGDOMS, SHOULD BE WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE RIGHT WAY TO HEAVEN, (IF THERE WERE INDEED A HEAVEN); AND THAT WE ONLY, WHO LIVE IN A CORNER OF THE EARTH, SHOULD ALONE BE BLESSED THEREWITH? EVERY ONE DOTH THINK HIS OWN RELIGION RIGHTEST, BOTH Jews AND Moors, AND Pagans; AND HOW IF ALL OUR FAITH, AND CHRIST, AND SCRIPTURES, SHOULD BE BUT A THINK SO TOO?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed PAUL against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, THOUGH WE MADE SO GREAT A MATTER OF PAUL, AND OF HIS WORDS, YET HOW COULD I TELL, BUT THAT IN VERY DEED, HE BEING A SUBTLE AND CUNNING MAN, MIGHT GIVE HIMSELF UP TO DECEIVE WITH STRONG DELUSIONS: AND ALSO TAKE THE PAINS AND TRAVEL, TO UNDO AND DESTROY HIS FELLOWS.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I FELT THERE WAS SOMETHING IN ME THAT REFUSED TO EMBRACE THEM. But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.
101. Now I thought, SURELY I AM POSSESSED OF THE DEVIL: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that
97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, HOW CAN YOU TELL BUT THAT THE Turks HAD AS GOOD SCRIPTURES TO PROVE THEIR Mahomet THE SAVIOUR, AS WE HAVE TO PROVE OUR JESUS IS? AND, COULD I THINK, THAT SO MANY TEN THOUSANDS, IN SO MANY COUNTRIES AND KINGDOMS, SHOULD BE WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE RIGHT WAY TO HEAVEN, (IF THERE WERE INDEED A HEAVEN); AND THAT WE ONLY, WHO LIVE IN A CORNER OF THE EARTH, SHOULD ALONE BE BLESSED THEREWITH? EVERY ONE DOTH THINK HIS OWN RELIGION RIGHTEST, BOTH Jews AND Moors, AND Pagans; AND HOW IF ALL OUR FAITH, AND CHRIST, AND SCRIPTURES, SHOULD BE BUT A THINK SO TOO?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed PAUL against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, THOUGH WE MADE SO GREAT A MATTER OF PAUL, AND OF HIS WORDS, YET HOW COULD I TELL, BUT THAT IN VERY DEED, HE BEING A SUBTLE AND CUNNING MAN, MIGHT GIVE HIMSELF UP TO DECEIVE WITH STRONG DELUSIONS: AND ALSO TAKE THE PAINS AND TRAVEL, TO UNDO AND DESTROY HIS FELLOWS.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I FELT THERE WAS SOMETHING IN ME THAT REFUSED TO EMBRACE THEM. But this consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.
101. Now I thought, SURELY I AM POSSESSED OF THE DEVIL: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved God. I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that