Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [24]
but my own! For there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath to come.
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS PAST, AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered DAVID'S adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of MOSES, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION? Ps. xix. 13. Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but ONE sin that is unpardonable? but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of THAT? must it needs be that? Is there but one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy SIN! Oh! unhappy MAN! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, YOU KNOW, HOW, THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED. OH! NO ONE KNOWS THE TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF.
154. After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER, but mine was, A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to JUDAS, than either to DAVID or PETER.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak
150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen. Oh! thought I, THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS PAST, AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME! Job xxix. 2.
151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those that were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered DAVID'S adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light and grace received: but yet by considering that his transgressions were only such as were against the law of MOSES, from which the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.
152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be so void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sin but this? Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION? Ps. xix. 13. Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what sting did I find in all these sentences?
153. What, thought I, is there but ONE sin that is unpardonable? but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; and must I be guilty of THAT? must it needs be that? Is there but one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins, for which there is no forgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy SIN! Oh! unhappy MAN! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, YOU KNOW, HOW, THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED. OH! NO ONE KNOWS THE TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF.
154. After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin, which he committed in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning given him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put all these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER, but mine was, A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer to JUDAS, than either to DAVID or PETER.
155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.
156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation that God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now did those blessed places that speak