Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [23]
the judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, THE BLOOD OF CHRIST REMITS ALL GUILT. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST HIS SON, CLEANSETH US FROM ALL SIN. 1 John i. 7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning ESAU'S selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, I HAVE PRAYED FOR THEE THAT THY FAITH FAIL NOT; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: ALL SINS SHALL BE FORGIVEN UNTO THE SONS OF MEN, AND BLASPHEMIES WHEREWITH SOEVER THEY SHALL BLASPHEME. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. BUT HE THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST, HATH NEVER FORGIVENESS, BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. And this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition
143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months together. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, THE BLOOD OF CHRIST REMITS ALL GUILT. At this I made a stand in my spirit: with that this word took hold upon me, THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST HIS SON, CLEANSETH US FROM ALL SIN. 1 John i. 7.
144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that here I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.
145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning ESAU'S selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would be sounding in me; FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.
146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke xxii. 31, I HAVE PRAYED FOR THEE THAT THY FAITH FAIL NOT; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.
147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: ALL SINS SHALL BE FORGIVEN UNTO THE SONS OF MEN, AND BLASPHEMIES WHEREWITH SOEVER THEY SHALL BLASPHEME. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.
148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. BUT HE THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST, HATH NEVER FORGIVENESS, BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence in the Hebrews: FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. And this stuck always with me.
149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in any condition