Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [22]
that I should have so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none others, but such blasphemous ones.
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, SELL CHRIST FOR THIS, OR SELL CHRIST FOR THAT; SELL HIM, sELL HIM.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM: against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, SELL HIM; I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT; NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS OF WORLDS: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, NOW I AM AT MEAT; LET ME MAKE AN END. NO, said he, YOU MUST DO IT NOW, OR YOU WILL DISPLEASE GOD, AND DESPISE CHRIST. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, TO SELL AND PART WITH CHRIST; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, NO, NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: OR PROFANE PERSONS AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT: FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto
135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the temptation would come, SELL CHRIST FOR THIS, OR SELL CHRIST FOR THAT; SELL HIM, sELL HIM.
136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a hundred times together, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM: against which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as tortured upon a rack for whole days together.
137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said, SELL HIM; I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT; NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS OF WORLDS: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.
138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit holy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I would say in myself, NOW I AM AT MEAT; LET ME MAKE AN END. NO, said he, YOU MUST DO IT NOW, OR YOU WILL DISPLEASE GOD, AND DESPISE CHRIST. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.
139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, TO SELL AND PART WITH CHRIST; the wicked suggestion still running in my mind, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, as fast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at other times, I answered, NO, NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; and I thought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!
140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal punishment.
141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: OR PROFANE PERSONS AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT: FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto