Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [21]
all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it! And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.
129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book OF MARTIN LUTHER'S; it was his Comment on the GALATIANS; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, THIS MAN COULD NOT KNOW ANY THING OF THE STATE OF CHRISTIANS NOW, BUT MUST NEEDS WRITE AND SPEAK THE EXPERIENCE OF FORMER DAYS.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of MOSES, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall before all men - I do prefer this book of MARTIN LUTHER upon the GALATIANS (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as JOB said, I THOUGHT I SHOULD DIE IN MY NEST; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, TO SELL AND PART WITH THIS MOST BLESSED CHRIST, TO EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE THINGS OF THIS LIFE, FOR ANY THING. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; THE LAND SHALL NOT BE SOLD FOR EVER, FOR THE LAND IS MINE, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think
129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many such longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book OF MARTIN LUTHER'S; it was his Comment on the GALATIANS; it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now I was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thus thought I, THIS MAN COULD NOT KNOW ANY THING OF THE STATE OF CHRISTIANS NOW, BUT MUST NEEDS WRITE AND SPEAK THE EXPERIENCE OF FORMER DAYS.
130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and the like; showing that the law of MOSES, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I found it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must let fall before all men - I do prefer this book of MARTIN LUTHER upon the GALATIANS (excepting the Holy Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a wounded conscience.
131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as JOB said, I THOUGHT I SHOULD DIE IN MY NEST; but I did quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.
132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than before.
133. And that was, TO SELL AND PART WITH THIS MOST BLESSED CHRIST, TO EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE THINGS OF THIS LIFE, FOR ANY THING. The temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was asleep.
134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; THE LAND SHALL NOT BE SOLD FOR EVER, FOR THE LAND IS MINE, saith God. Lev. xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think