Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [26]
use any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, 'TIS TOO LATE, I AM LOST, GOD HATH LET ME FALL; NOT TO MY CORRECTION, BUT CONDEMNATION: MY SIN IS UNPARDONABLE; AND I KNOW, CONCERNING ESAU, HOW THAT AFTER HE HAD SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT, BE WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THE BLESSING, BUT WAS REJECTED. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN? BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.
164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by FALLING HEADLONG, HE BURST ASUNDER IN THE MIDST, AND ALL HIS BOWELS GUSHED OUT. Acts i. 18.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on CAIN, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother ABEL. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, HE HATH RECEIVED GIFTS FOR THE REBELLIOUS. Psalm lxviii. 18. The REBELLIOUS, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by THAT place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the SAINTS in particular, and found MINE went beyond them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put ALL THEIRS together, and MINE ALONE against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if MINE, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of DAVID, of SOLOMON, of MANASSEH, of PETER,
163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come in, 'TIS TOO LATE, I AM LOST, GOD HATH LET ME FALL; NOT TO MY CORRECTION, BUT CONDEMNATION: MY SIN IS UNPARDONABLE; AND I KNOW, CONCERNING ESAU, HOW THAT AFTER HE HAD SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT, BE WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THE BLESSING, BUT WAS REJECTED. About this time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful to me, MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN? BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.
164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by FALLING HEADLONG, HE BURST ASUNDER IN THE MIDST, AND ALL HIS BOWELS GUSHED OUT. Acts i. 18.
165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on CAIN, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother ABEL. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.
166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, HE HATH RECEIVED GIFTS FOR THE REBELLIOUS. Psalm lxviii. 18. The REBELLIOUS, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why not for me?
167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by THAT place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not.
168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the SAINTS in particular, and found MINE went beyond them, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I should put ALL THEIRS together, and MINE ALONE against them, might I not then find some encouragement? for if MINE, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all theirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of DAVID, of SOLOMON, of MANASSEH, of PETER,