Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [27]
and the rest of the great offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.
169. I should think with myself that DAVID shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of AMMON; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on SOLOMON, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; BUT I HAD SOLD MY SAVIOUR, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of MANASSEH; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of JERUSALEM run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, THEY ARE NONE OF THEM OF THE NATURE OF YOURS; YOU HAVE PARTED WITH JESUS, YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SAVIOUR.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, MY SIN WAS POINT BLANK AGAINST MY SAVIOUR; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, NO one pardonable; nor ALL of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (IT IS A FEARFUL THING TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THE LIVING GOD. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I HAVE BLOTTED OUT, AS A THICK CLOUD, THY TRANSGRESSIONS; AND AS A CLOUD, THY SINS: RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, RETURN UNTO ME; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, FOR YOU KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, RETURN, RETURN, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, FOR YOU KNOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED, ETC.
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me.
169. I should think with myself that DAVID shed blood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of the children of AMMON; a work that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turn upon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the Saviour, and who shall save you from that?
170. Then I thought on SOLOMON, and how he sinned in loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; BUT I HAD SOLD MY SAVIOUR, and there remained no more sacrifice for sin.
171. I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of MANASSEH; how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of JERUSALEM run down with the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, THEY ARE NONE OF THEM OF THE NATURE OF YOURS; YOU HAVE PARTED WITH JESUS, YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SAVIOUR.
172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, MY SIN WAS POINT BLANK AGAINST MY SAVIOUR; and that too, at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL. Oh! methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the whole world, NO one pardonable; nor ALL of them together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.
173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape His hand: (IT IS A FEARFUL THING TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THE LIVING GOD. Hebrew x.) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I HAVE BLOTTED OUT, AS A THICK CLOUD, THY TRANSGRESSIONS; AND AS A CLOUD, THY SINS: RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would the text cry, RETURN UNTO ME; it would cry aloud with a very great voice, RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, FOR YOU KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Wherefore I could not refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, RETURN, RETURN, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience, FOR YOU KNOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED, ETC.
174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me.