Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [28]
And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voice speaking, DID'ST THOU EVER REFUSE TO BE JUSTIFIED BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, NO. Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me, SEE THAT YE REFUSE NOT HIM THAT SPEAKETH. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ had yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I THOUGHT THEN WHAT HERE I SHOULD BE LOTH TO SPEAK. But verily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound judgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it for about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despair again.
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD, FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN MY CASE; NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD, BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE MEDIATOR, BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE FATHER; AND WITHOUT WHOM, NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE: WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY, IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN; YEA, NOW TO PRAY, SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF, IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE.
177. FOR GOD (saith he) HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL YEARS ALREADY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS; YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS EARS, HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE
175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. But oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hard work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, even confounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but I saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.
176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to me, THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD, FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN MY CASE; NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD, BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE MEDIATOR, BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE FATHER; AND WITHOUT WHOM, NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE: WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY, IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN; YEA, NOW TO PRAY, SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF, IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE.
177. FOR GOD (saith he) HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL YEARS ALREADY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS; YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS EARS, HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE