Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [29]
TO HIM; AND THEREFORE HE LET YOU SIN THIS SIN, THAT YOU MIGHT BE QUITE CUT OFF; AND WILL YOU PRAY STILL? This the devil urged, and set forth that in NUMBERS, when MOSES said to the children OF ISRAEL, THAT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT GO UP TO POSSESS THE LAND, WHEN GOD WOULD HAVE THEM, THEREFORE FOR EVER AFTER HE DID BAR THEM OUT FROM THENCE, THOUGH THEY PRAYED THEY MIGHT WITH TEARS. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, THE MAN THAT SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR, THAT HE MAY DIE; even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, THAT SUCH AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, PRAY NOT FOR THIS PEOPLE, FOR I HAVE REJECTED THEM. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, PRAY NOT FOR HIM, FOR I HAVE REJECTED HIM, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN (said Spira), BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, HE THOUGHT SO TOO. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, THAT SEEING I HAD THUS PARTED WITH THE LORD JESUS, AND PROVOKED HIM TO DISPLEASURE, WHO WOULD HAVE STOOD BETWEEN MY SOUL AND THE FLAME OF DEVOURING FIRE, THERE WAS NOW BUT ONE WAY; AND THAT WAS, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; THAT WE MIGHT BE RECONCILED AGAIN, AND THAT I MIGHT HAVE THAT BLESSED BENEFIT IN HIM, THAT HIS BLESSED SAINTS ENJOYED.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, HE IS OF ONE MIND, AND WHO CAN TURN HIM! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; NEITHER IS THERE SALVATION IN ANY OTHER; FOR THERE IS NONE OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN GIVEN AMONG MEN WHEREBY WE MUST BE SAVED. Acts iv. 12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves
178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, THE MAN THAT SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR, THAT HE MAY DIE; even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON, when he thought to find shelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, THAT SUCH AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER. This I did, but with great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with this, still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart, even like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing I found it, to come to God in prayer!
179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, PRAY NOT FOR THIS PEOPLE, FOR I HAVE REJECTED THEM. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, PRAY NOT FOR HIM, FOR I HAVE REJECTED HIM, yea, I thought that He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should be so, it would make me quite beside myself: MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN (said Spira), BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF?
180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and he told me, HE THOUGHT SO TOO. Here therefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore I went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.
181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, THAT SEEING I HAD THUS PARTED WITH THE LORD JESUS, AND PROVOKED HIM TO DISPLEASURE, WHO WOULD HAVE STOOD BETWEEN MY SOUL AND THE FLAME OF DEVOURING FIRE, THERE WAS NOW BUT ONE WAY; AND THAT WAS, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me; THAT WE MIGHT BE RECONCILED AGAIN, AND THAT I MIGHT HAVE THAT BLESSED BENEFIT IN HIM, THAT HIS BLESSED SAINTS ENJOYED.
182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, HE IS OF ONE MIND, AND WHO CAN TURN HIM! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was to persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; NEITHER IS THERE SALVATION IN ANY OTHER; FOR THERE IS NONE OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN GIVEN AMONG MEN WHEREBY WE MUST BE SAVED. Acts iv. 12.
183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this: every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves