Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [32]
many fears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: O LORD, I BESEECH THEE, SHOW ME THAT THOU HAST LOVED ME WITH EVERLASTING LOVE. Jer. xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as an echo, or sounding again, I HAVE LOVED THEE WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of ESAU would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS SIN, I LOVED THEE BEFORE, I LOVE THEE STILL, AND I WILL LOVE THEE FOR EVER.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, IF THOU, LORD, SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES, O LORD, WHO SHOULD STAND? BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE, THAT THOU MAYEST BE FEARED. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES, THAT RATHER THAN HE WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE, HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED, AND NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE, BECAUSE OF THY SHAME, WHEN I AM PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE, SAITH THE LORD GOD. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE, YET UNLESS THERE COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT, A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN THE SCRIPTURES, LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF, AND HOLD IT NEVER SO FAST, I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END; AND THE SCRIPTURE CANNOT BE BROKEN. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE ONCE
191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then break my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of ESAU would fly in my face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS SIN, I LOVED THEE BEFORE, I LOVE THEE STILL, AND I WILL LOVE THEE FOR EVER.
192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and Saviour.
193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying came in upon me, IF THOU, LORD, SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES, O LORD, WHO SHOULD STAND? BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE, THAT THOU MAYEST BE FEARED. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES, THAT RATHER THAN HE WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE, HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.
194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it; THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED, AND NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE, BECAUSE OF THY SHAME, WHEN I AM PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE, SAITH THE LORD GOD. Ezek. xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement.
195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came strong into my mind, THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE, YET UNLESS THERE COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT, A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN THE SCRIPTURES, LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF, AND HOLD IT NEVER SO FAST, I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END; AND THE SCRIPTURE CANNOT BE BROKEN. John x. 35.
196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were brought those sayings to my mind. FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE ONCE