Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [33]
ENLIGHTENED, AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT, AND WERE MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST, AND HAVE TASTED THE GOOD WORD OF GOD, AND THE POWERS OF THE WORLD TO COME, IF THEY SHALL FALL AWAY, TO RENEW THEM AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE. Heb. vi. 4-6. FOR, IF WE SIN WILFULLY, AFTER WE HAVE RECEIVED THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH, THERE REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE FOR SIN, BUT A CERTAIN FEARFUL LOOKING FOR OF JUDGMENT, AND FIERY INDIGNATION, WHICH SHALL DEVOUR THE ADVERSARIES. Heb. x. 26, 27. AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT. FOR YE KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS. Heb. xii. 16, 17.
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, REJOICE NOT, O ISRAEL, FOR JOY, AS OTHER PEOPLE. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill- pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This FOR MANY DAYS. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, MANY DAYS are not for ever, MANY DAYS will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but MANY DAYS, yet I was glad it was but FOR MANY DAYS. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, THAT NEITHER THE MERCY OF GOD, NOR YET THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, DID AT ALL CONCERN ME, NOR COULD THEY HELP ME FOR MY SIN; THEREFORE IT WAS BUT IN VAIN TO PRAY. Yet, thought I, I WILL PRAY. BUT, said the tempter, YOUR SIN IS UNPARDONABLE. Well, said I, I WILL PRAY. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I WILL PRAY. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: LORD, SATAN TELLS ME, THAT NEITHER THY MERCY, NOR CHRIST'S BLOOD, IS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL: LORD, SHALL I HONOUR THEE MOST, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT, AND CANST? OR HIM, BY BELIEVING THOU NEITHER WILT NOT NOR CANST? LORD, I WOULD FAIN HONOUR THEE, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT AND CANST.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of
197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, REJOICE NOT, O ISRAEL, FOR JOY, AS OTHER PEOPLE. Hos. ix. 1. For I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props in the precious word of life.
198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill- pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This FOR MANY DAYS. Dan. x. 14. And indeed I found it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.
199. For, thought I, MANY DAYS are not for ever, MANY DAYS will have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but MANY DAYS, yet I was glad it was but FOR MANY DAYS. Thus, I say, I would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.
200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, THAT NEITHER THE MERCY OF GOD, NOR YET THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, DID AT ALL CONCERN ME, NOR COULD THEY HELP ME FOR MY SIN; THEREFORE IT WAS BUT IN VAIN TO PRAY. Yet, thought I, I WILL PRAY. BUT, said the tempter, YOUR SIN IS UNPARDONABLE. Well, said I, I WILL PRAY. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I WILL PRAY. So I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: LORD, SATAN TELLS ME, THAT NEITHER THY MERCY, NOR CHRIST'S BLOOD, IS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL: LORD, SHALL I HONOUR THEE MOST, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT, AND CANST? OR HIM, BY BELIEVING THOU NEITHER WILT NOT NOR CANST? LORD, I WOULD FAIN HONOUR THEE, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT AND CANST.
201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sad condition.
202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of