Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners [34]
doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind, WILL THE LORD CAST OFF FOR EVER? AND WILL HE BE FAVOURABLE NO MORE? IS HIS MERCY CLEAN GONE FOR EVER? DOTH HIS PROMISE FAIL FOR EVERMORE? HATH GOD FORGOTTEN TO BE GRACIOUS? HATH HE IN ANGER SHUT UP HIS TENDER MERCIES? Ps. lxxvii. 7-9. And all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer, 'TIS A QUESTION WHETHER HE HATH OR NO: IT MAY BE HE HATH NOT. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender mercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gone for ever.
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, WHETHER THE BLOOD OF CHRIST WAS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: HE IS ABLE. But methought, this word ABLE, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a GREAT WORD, it seemed to be writ in GREAT LETTERS, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, THAT NO WORD OF GOD COULD HELP ME, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: for this about THE SUFFICIENCY OF GRACE, and THAT of ESAU'S parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because FOR THEE was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as MY, and GRACE, and SUFFICIENT,
203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, WHETHER THE BLOOD OF CHRIST WAS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: HE IS ABLE. But methought, this word ABLE, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a GREAT WORD, it seemed to be writ in GREAT LETTERS, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after. Heb. vii. 25.
204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, THAT NO WORD OF GOD COULD HELP ME, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.
205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: for this about THE SUFFICIENCY OF GRACE, and THAT of ESAU'S parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.
206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because FOR THEE was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as MY, and GRACE, and SUFFICIENT,