Half Moon Investigations - Eoin Colfer [36]
Red’s big sister, Genie, was there too. Strikingly beautiful, with the trademark Sharkey red hair and lack of fashion sense. She had once been the lead singer with a girl band called Sharkey Attack. They had managed to build up quite a following on the local circuit. That was until Genie had socked an admirer with a microphone, knocking out four of his front teeth.
‘Morning,’ I said weakly.
Papa stood. He was so tall that all I could see was a belly and a beard.
‘This is him?’ he boomed in his movie-trailer-guy voice.
Red nodded. ‘Yes, Papa. This is Half Moon. I mean Fletcher Moon.’
Papa loomed over me, shaking his head, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.
‘This little speck of a thing is investigating me?’
Red jumped from his seat, tugging on his father’s sleeve.
‘It’s not really investigating. It’s more play-investigating.’
Red winked at me. Go along with it, the wink said.
‘Is that right?’ Papa asked me. ‘Play-investigating?’
‘Yes,’ I began, then felt my shield dig into my thigh. ‘No, actually. It’s real investigating. I have a shield and a notebook. And if I were you and I had me on my case, I’d be worried.’
Papa frowned. ‘Well, if you were me and you were on my case, you’d be chasing your own backside.’ This observation was followed by a huge bark of laughter that would have scared off a pack of wolves. Red laughed too, in relief. I tried to chortle along, but all that came out was a trickle of Morse-code squeaks.
Papa’s laughter petered out, but its ghost remained. He didn’t see me as a threat. I didn’t mind. A lot of adults make that mistake.
‘Sit,’ he boomed.
I sat.
‘Hungry?’ he asked. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to feed me or eat me.
‘Half a grapefruit would be nice.’
Genie piled a plate high with fried pork, spinning it along the table like a frisbee. It rotated before me for several seconds, spraying my shirt with grease.
‘Or sausages would be nice too,’ I said, attempting a smile.
I ate slowly, feeling four pairs of Sharkey eyes boring holes in my skull. Nobody spoke, and my chewing seemed louder than a farmer striding across a field of mud.
For a while I cared about this, then I realized that I was famished and that the sausages were delicious. I devoured three rapidly, the third wrapped in a slice of soda bread.
‘Shy little chap, aren’t you?’ said Papa when I had finished.
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled. ‘I’ve only had hospital food for the past few days.’
‘Oh yes, that’s where you told the police that my son assaulted you.’
‘That’s what I thought at the time,’ I said into the remains of my breakfast.
Papa sat at the head of the table, staring at me from under eyebrows that would have thatched a fair-sized cottage. His serious face was back in full force.
‘And now?’
‘And now I think that probably both of us have been set up. Red for the assault, me for the arson.’
Papa popped a jumbo sausage into his mouth. It barely hit the sides on its way down.
‘I don’t see what this has to do with me, Half Moon. The police have been setting us up for years, and now all of a sudden I need some kind of midget detective to help me out. A midget detective who said that this entire family has, and I quote, a history of theft, fraud and assault.’
The last lump of sausage stuck in my throat.
‘It sounds bad when you put it like that,’ I admitted. ‘In my defence, you do have a history of theft and fraud. I may have been wrong about the assault.’
Papa bristled. ‘Theft and fraud?’
I suddenly felt invulnerable, as though this was all a dream. ‘Well, there was the time Red fed white bread to Byrne’s greyhounds before a race.’
Red sniggered. He couldn’t help it, even though he was trying to turn over a new leaf.
‘Not to mention the time Herod stole the duck race machine from Tramore carnival.’
‘Quack quack,’ said Roddy.
‘And Genie was collecting for her confirmation until she was eighteen.’
Genie winked. ‘I’ll be going out next year too.’
‘Shut up, you lot,’ roared