Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [103]
I went to the main bathroom so I wouldn’t disturb him and turned the shower volume up as high as it would go. The spray hit me in a powerful burst. Then I turned the heat up so the water was almost scalding and scrubbed all traces of Alex from my skin and hair. The heavy jet of water was designed to serve two purposes: to wash away the sins of my past and to drown out the noise from the heaving sobs that rocked my stricken body that sad November morning.
***
The events of which I have just written are very recent. Only a few weeks have elapsed since they took place.
My future, of course, depends on Tony never knowing any of this, so I am going to leave the whole thing with Melanie for safe keeping. I’m not sure what I’m ever going to do with it. I might rewrite my story in a few years, disguised as fiction as Alex suggested, but more likely I will do precisely nothing. The process has been therapeutic just the same.
I knew I had some ground to make up with Tony that Sunday so I set about seducing him not once, but twice: the first occasion that afternoon whilst Isabel was in the other room watching, of all things, the digitally-remastered ‘Snow White’ on DVD, and the second after the babysitter had left, when I sidled up to him wearing my new dress and heels, but nothing else. The next day he left, satisfied, to commence his training in Hong Kong.
I still had four more days of work to go. Alex was there. His anger had been replaced by resignation but we restricted our conversations to work-related ones. We’d said our goodbyes in the best possible way and there was nothing really left to say. On Friday afternoon we all had a glass of celebratory wine: just Edward, Alex, Melanie, Karen and me. Edward gave a little speech about what a pleasure it had been to work with me and then Alex was obliged to do the same.
I think Edward was the only one who had no idea.
On our last night together I had told Alex one last lie, but this lie was for good reason. I told him that I was leaving Sydney the following week, whereas I actually remained in Sydney for another month or so. With Christmas looming we thought it silly to uproot ourselves and Issy was keen to perform her starring role (literally, she played the star the Three Wise Men followed) in the preschool Christmas pageant. After the removalists had been, Issy, Meggs and I moved in with Mum and Dad and then over Christmas and New Year, when Tony had leave, we (minus the cat - he’s boarding with my parents for the time being) stayed with Pamela and Douglas.
On New Year’s Eve we went on a harbour cruise with a group of Tony’s friends to watch the fireworks and I wore my new dress again so that he could show me off. As the clock struck in 2007 he kissed me extravagantly in front of all his mates, which took me by surprise as he’s never been one for the grand gestures. All the holiday period he was attentive to me - his mother confused and disconcerted by this. I now realise how much this new start on life means to him, how much his previous unhappiness had been tied up in his professional frustrations and associated sense of self-worth. I hope it delivers the satisfaction he seeks.
I also hope I can fall in love with him again, because at the moment I’m just playing a part.
It took me a while to work out why my ribs felt broken. It was because those bloody people had come along and removed my heart again. For weeks now I have laughed and joked and gone to work and packed boxes and shopped for clothes and cheered my daughter on at Christmas pageants and all the time I have had no heart. I think to most people I appear the same, but the empty, aching feeling between my ribs tells a different story.
Still, it’s amazing how efficient you can be without one. I organised the sale of our house and the entire move to Hong Kong with a gaping empty hole in my chest - I’m a bona fide medical marvel. I