Happily Ever After_ - Benison Anne O'Reilly [92]
While I was there I started thinking: How dare he decide this without me. I’m his wife, not his goods and chattels. I’ll make him go without us. I’ll say I want to stay. And then eventually we’ll drift apart, and I will be able to ask for a separation, and then I will be able to be with Alex.
As I lay there crying, Isabel came in. ‘Mummy, Mummy, what’s the matter? Don’t be sad, Mummy,’ she said and gave me a little kiss on the cheek. ‘Are you better now?’
‘Mummy will be fine soon darling, I just need a little rest,’ I said, smiling at this little show of affection in spite of myself. Issy’s kisses had miraculous qualities but even they did not have the power to solve my current problems.
Tony entered the room. ‘Now Issy, Mummy is feeling a little tired at the moment so why don’t I get you dinner and you can watch a DVD as a special treat.’
‘I want Dora the Explorer.’
After he’d settled Isabel, Tony returned to the bedroom. I was still lying in the same position, face down on the bed, but my tears had dried by now and I was collecting my thoughts.
Then he behaved in a way that turned all my plotting on its head.
First of all he said, ‘I’m sorry. It was stupid of me not to tell you but I really didn’t think it would come off this time. Do you want me to knock it back - I could say “family reasons” or something - and reapply a bit later, when you feel you’re more ready?’
‘You know I could never ask you to do that. It’s obvious you’re not happy where you are now. And I don’t think it would be a good idea to get management offside by suddenly changing your mind. But why don’t you go ahead to Hong Kong and Isabel and I can follow in six months or a year or so, once you’re settled.’
‘Because I don’t want to go without you two, of course. I don’t think the separation would be good for our marriage…just when we seem to be getting on better.’ As he spoke he started massaging my neck and shoulders. ‘God, your shoulders are tense.’
There was nothing sexual in this gesture; it was just tenderness. I think it was the feel of his touch and something in his manner…a lack of defensiveness perhaps…that made me feel he was genuinely seeking redemption this time.
‘I need a drink,’ I said after a while. ‘Get that champagne will you.’
‘Okay.’ He wasn’t sure of the significance of my decision to open the champagne. I wasn’t even sure myself.
He uncorked the bottle and poured each of us a glass as I sat cross-legged on the bed. I took a sip or two and said, ‘My problem is that I’ve never felt that you were genuinely sorry for all the hurt you have caused me and I’m worried that if we head off to Hong Kong it will happen again, and this time I will have no family there to support me.’
‘I won’t, I promise. Things are different now.’
‘Unfortunately - to quote one of your favourite expressions - talk is cheap so I think you’re going to have to offer me more than that.’
‘Okay, I will go to counselling with you - and I will take it seriously.’
Isabel came bounding in. ‘Dora’s finished.’
‘Then it’s a bath and off to bed with you, young lady.’
‘I’m hungry,’ he said. ‘How about I sort out Issy and you order some takeaway.’
After Isabel was asleep we went back to our bed and had a champagne picnic, just like the day he had proposed to me. And just as it was on that day, my jangling nerves meant I had little appetite.
‘So where were we?’ I said eventually. ‘Ah counselling.’
‘Yes there’s the proof you need that I’m committed. I’m prepared to go to counselling.’
‘I know you’re cynical but it has helped me a lot and if we are to have another baby you need to work through a few issues, rather than just run off with another flight attendant when I put on a few kilos.’
‘Please don’t trivialise things, Elle. It wasn’t just because you put on weight. I am not that superficial. I was angry with you. I felt you changed when we got married. I felt you abandoned me.’
‘I abandoned you!’
‘Look, do you want to listen to what I have to say or do you want to argue with me. It is difficult enough to say these things and I’m not going