Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [101]
In “Interruptions” I talked about a woman who, while talking to her girlfriend, put her children outside the door and didn’t realize until 45 minutes later that they were still outside! When she went to let them back in, the children had found an old paper bag and written a note on it: Mom, we love you. Can we come back in?
That mom certainly made her point! It’s all about action, not words. And her actions said, I am to be respected in this house, and you are to be quiet when I’m on the phone. Do you think those children did a dog and pony show in front of their mother when she was on the phone the next time?
Temper Tantrums
I hear these sorts of things over and over from frustrated parents:
“He explodes every time I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do.”
“I don’t take her to the mall anymore because she throws a tantrum if I don’t take her to McDonald’s. And sometimes I don’t have the time or the money to do that.”
“When he has to share with his brother, he starts screaming, kicking the floor, and throwing things.”
Let me ask you: when your child is throwing a tantrum, what’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To get attention. To exert authority over you. And if throwing tantrums has worked in the past, your child will continue to throw them in the future.
If your family is one of faith, you might be interested in what St. Paul said in Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents. This is the right thing to do because God has placed them in authority over you.” That means you are to be in charge of the home, not your child.
Two-year-olds will throw tantrums, and those tantrums need to be addressed. My favorite suggestion to deal with tantrums is to step over the child (reigning in the temptation to step on her), totally ignore the behavior, and move on with whatever else you were doing. If it happens in the mall, just ignore her and move on ahead. (For those of you who are worried, I can guarantee you that any 2-year-old who sees Mommy or Daddy moving away into the crowd will stop the fit she’s throwing and run to follow her parent. She won’t be out of her parent’s sight because she’s not that confident.) And without an audience there, there’s really no need for the temper tantrum to continue.
If you handle the tantrums when your child is age 2, you’ll change the behavior, guaranteed, by using my tried-and-true method:
1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.
You won’t be dealing with the behavior down the line. But this method requires consistency, follow-through, and no looking back to see if the child is following. Otherwise she gets clued in: Hey, Mom is nervous about this. She’s checking to see if it works. Aha! That means she doesn’t want me to be out of her sight. So she’ll come back. I’ll just continue this fit thing a little longer.
If children are still throwing tantrums at age 8 and up, however, they’ve got your number. They know what it takes to win the fight because they’ve always won in the past. They are going to show you in full, bloomin’ color just how unhappy and miserable their life is because you haven’t given them a toy or a treat, let them go somewhere, etc. With older children, the same holds true (no matter where you are):
1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away.
If you’re not in the vicinity, it’s less likely your child will continue the tantrum (especially if you’re in a public place). What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To get your attention. It defeats the point if you