Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [103]
Anorexics believe that, in order to be accepted by others, they must be stick thin. Oftentimes they don’t feel supported by their parents in their ventures, so they feel alone. Feeling out of control, they secretly find a way to control their world—by not eating or eating very little. By doing so, they feel they will be able to reach perfection, and everyone will like them.
If you suspect or discover that this is happening with your child, get professional help immediately. Some symptoms include sneaking into the bathroom immediately after eating to purge the food she has eaten, claiming “I’m not hungry” meal after meal, excusing herself from the table and saying she doesn’t feel well, and losing weight unnaturally quickly. Both anorexia and bulimia are serious conditions that need to be addressed by health-care providers because of the long-term impact they can have on your child’s growth patterns, overall health, teeth, stomach, mind, and emotions.
If your child talks a lot about her body and not liking it, show your own imperfections. (Children rarely realize just how airbrushed the photos of models are.) I like to pull my sweater up and show people a side view of my gut—now there’s perfection! And then I tell them the story of how I ate a whole pumpkin pie, slice by slice, out of the refrigerator; then I had to hide the pie plate from my wife so she wouldn’t know I’d gotten a 2-for-1 deal at the pie shop and eaten a whole pie by myself. Children love to hear stories about you and how you fell short. It gives them the freedom to also be imperfect.
So tell your children (especially your girls) how you fell short. About the time you got a bad grade. When you got into trouble with your parents for lying. When you did something really stupid. Believe it or not, children still see parents as model-like. To children, parents can do no wrong. Explaining that you have done some dumb-as-mud things shows your child that everyone does goofy things sometimes. No one’s body is perfect. By showing your imperfections, you give your children the courage to be imperfect in an imperfect world. That’s why I applaud the cover model who insisted, “Don’t airbrush my wrinkles out. I’ve earned every one of them. They’re a part of me.”
Let your imperfection show. Even flaunt it at times. It will give your child the freedom she needs to be imperfect—and healthy.
Unkindness
Children, by their nature, are very unkind. They’re all about “me, me, me” and “gimme.” Unless they are taught by their parents to be kind, they’re not going to do so on their own.
When your child speaks or acts unkindly right in front of your eyes, the best thing to do is pull her aside and say, “That was a very unkind thing to say. Is that really what you meant to say? Did you mean to be unkind?”
After the child has a chance to respond, then say, “That made me feel [used, taken for granted, etc.]. Is that what you wanted to communicate?”
Such wording brings the situation to an immediate head so the child realizes that what she said was unkind. It also sets up the possible response, “Mom, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
If you get that kind of positive reaction, life goes on. If you don’t get that kind of reaction, then lifedoesn’t go on for long. Remember, “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” And A demands an apology and a removal of privileges until the point is made. Then life can go on.
If you’re a person of faith, you are bound by the command in Ephesians 4:31–32 to be kind to one another. How is your family doing in that aspect of life?
I guarantee that, as you go through lifeas a parent, you’ll have hassles. If you are truthful, you’ll lock horns with some people. Jill, the mom of a kindergarten daughter, had to confront continual unkindness in another kindergartener by talking to that girl’s mother. “Oh, no, my child would never say that,” the defensive mom claimed. “Your daughter must be lying.”
“I can understand your initial response,” Jill said, “because I would have done