Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [104]
All Jill could do was state her case. Then it was up to the other adult to continue to live in La-La Land (thinking her perfect daughter could never do such a thing, or hiding from Jill so she didn’t have to meet Jill’s eyes after that point) or to confront the behavior in her daughter. If she chose to pretend the event never happened, she would continue being a weak parent. And her daughter would someday make a statement even less kind in an audience that might react more vociferously.
The wise parent addresses the behavior when it happens—no excuses. And life doesn’t go on until a heartfelt apology is made.
Should you always fight your child’s battles for her? Certainly not. But sometimes, as in this case, the stakes are high. Jill was defending her child against a racial slur that was deeply hurtful—even more so because Jill’s child was the only ethnic child in that class.
Some children are mean without knowing it, and some are mean because they want to be mean. Everyone will say dumb things sometimes. But whether it was meant or not, if your child says hurtful words to someone else, she deserves to know the truth about how she hurt that person. And life cannot go on until the apology is delivered to the injured party.
No exceptions.
Wardrobe Issues (Clothes, Hair, Makeup)
Did you know that children wear costumes every day? They may look like clothes, but they’re actually carefully thought-out costumes. The way your child walks, talks, and acts is all part of her persona. Each time she switches clothes, she’s trying on a new personality. No wonder she spends so much time in front of the mirror!
From day 1, children will always express themselves differently than the main culture (their “parentals”). When I was dean of students at the University of Arizona during the Vietnam War, a Marine Corps colonel asked me how to get his teenage son to cut his hair and stop wearing T-shirts that said, “We don’t want your freakin’ war.”
“Well, sir,” I told him, “the hair part is easy. Just grow your hair long and he’ll cut his. As for the wardrobe . . . give it a couple months past graduation.”
Every child wants to be different from his parents. Interestingly, when that colonel’s son started to get job interviews, the antiwar T-shirt got packed away, his hair was clipped stylishly short, and out came wingtip shoes and a fine business suit. Within months after graduation, that young man was absorbed into adult culture as he began earning his first check in corporateas he began earning America.
Children will go through different stages, and most of them will be fairly harmless. The important thing is to stay tuned to the inner workings of your child. What’s going on in your child’s heart? Is she compassionate and kind? Is he responsible? These are the things that will endure, not the wardrobe.
Fashions change. Just look at the history of any young society in America and you’ll see that young people have always distinguished themselves from older people by the way they dress. So why are we parents making mountains out of molehills? Did your parents always like what you wore? I noticed recently, when I was at a college basketball game, how baggy the shorts are today—going way below the knees. I figure if I just wait a few years, the regular shorts I always wear will be back in style.
So what if your 14-year-old son wears baggy pants that two people could fit into? Just make sure he’s got a serviceable belt so no one de-pants him, I say. But if all of a sudden your child is dressing only in all black, wearing Goth makeup and leather, then clothing is becoming a mountain. Why? Because with that clothing, your child is trying on a persona that could take her into dangerous territory.
As the parent, you have every right to exercise vitamin N (No) in your child’s life, and those decisions need to be based on your belief system.