Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [105]
It’s no sweat off your back, and you don’t have to wear the clothes, so why not let your child be a little creative and learn from the experience?
When Life Isn’t Fair
Whoever said life would be fair was lying.
When your child gets bullied, picked on, or put down, the best salve is to say to your child, “You know, honey, that really must have hurt. But as your mom/dad, I noticed how you handled that, and you handled it really well. You didn’t strikeback, and you didn’t call him names, even though he was thoughtless and mean-spirited. There are a lot of people like that in life, unfortunately. I’m proud of how you handled the situation.”
If you say such things to your child, you’ll be giving him the inoculation that says, “I can weather this thing. My parent believes in me.”
With any bully, what goes around eventually comes around. Even if you aren’t around to see it.
And sometimes it comes around creatively.
Karyn, a first grader, was continually bullied by Tyler, another first grader. Day after day he’d get in her face, and they’d go at it verbally. One day her mom asked, “What do you think he’d do if you didn’t fight back?”
Karyn decided to try that. Three days later, she came running to her mom’s car after school. “Guess what? Tyler says he wants to be my friend now. He says I’m no fun to pick on anymore because I don’t fight back.”
It takes two people to fight. Fighting truly is an act of cooperation. When one quits the fight, the other often does too.
Whining
“But, Da-ad . . .”
“Mommy, he saaaaaaid . . .”
My favorite one-liner on this topic is: when you get too much whine, you need to build a whine cellar.
The truth of the matter is, there are whiners in this world for sure. I’ve seen far too many of them, andthey’re not pleasant people. The whiner only continues because whining has paid off in the past. Whiners know that whining keeps Mom or Dad over the proverbial barrel and the child in charge. And we parents are dumb enough to fall for it. As soon as we give in to the child’s demand, we’ve added fuel to the fire of the whining. It’ll ramp up the next time.
Children are addicted to routine. So don’t start a habit with them that you don’t want to continue. Never ever pay off whining with any kind of reward. A whine fest always starts meekly, then crescendos into a “But, Mom . . . !”
The smart mom or dad will pick up the child and say, “If you want to whine, whine outside. I don’t want to hear it.”
What’s the purposive nature of the child’s behavior? To get your attention and to get what he wants. When both purposes are removed, as well as the audience (you), whining isn’t fun anymore.
Youth Activities/Church Youth Activities
“We go to one church, but my son wants to go to youth group at another church. How should we handle that?”
Lots of children (especially teens) want to go to youth activities at another church. Usually there are good reasons for that. Some churches have really cool youth groups;others are stodgy and old-fashioned and plain uninteresting. Or just maybe there’s some cute girl or guy who seems awfully interesting at the other church’s group.
Parent, if you are going to pick a fight because your child wants to go to someone else’s church, there’s a clinical term to describe you: nuts! Be glad your child at least wants to go to church! Would an alternative—sitting on the corner smoking crack cocaine—be better?
Encourage your child to do that kind of thing, if he’s interested. It