Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [17]
Did these situations “just happen”? Or did little things happen along the way that led to these bigger things? Here’s what these parents said as they looked back:
“Henry was the kind of kid who always overdid everything. We caught him smoking a joint with a friend when he was 11, but he just shrugged off our concern. He gave me the old, ‘But Dad, I was just curious. I won’t do it again.’ Dumb me, I believed him. I should have followed up. Now I know that he kept smoking marijuana, then moved to meth. I thought he was saving up money for a car. He was using the money from his job for drugs.”
“We never confronted Miranda when she took things from her sister’s room. When I found out she took 20 bucks from my purse, I let it go because she said that she needed to pick up some things at the store. But I should have pursued it.”
“Tony was an out-of-control 2-year-old, but I thought it was just because he was 2. You know, the terrible twos thing. I figured he’d grow out of it. But then he proceeded into the independent threes and threw even more fits. Two of our babysitters quit. I should have had a clue that something major was wrong. But I just figured they were pushovers. Now I realize it was me who was the pushover. I gave him everything he wanted. When he ran into someone who wouldn’t, he just bit them. He’d bitten the babysitters too.”
“Amanda was always a free spirit and really social. Everybody liked her. She had lots of friends. But when she was a junior in high school, her friends changed. They were more of the partying, thrill-seeker type. I figured it was just a phase and Amanda would get over it.”
“Keri has always been concerned about the way she looks. When she was 9, she was a little chubby. A favorite uncle commented to her about seeing her ‘big fat belly’ in her swimsuit when we were at the pool one day. After that, she made a lot of comments about how fat she was. She started eating less at meals and ate a lot of veggies. I thought it was a good turn—eating veggies is good for you, right? Then she hit 11 and really slimmed down. She looked great. When she started getting thinner, I just figured she was going through a growth phase (you know—kids puff out, then get tall and skinny, then gain weight and grow taller again). It wasn’t until a friend mentioned that she thought Keri had a problem that I talked to her about it. Keri has been in counseling and a program for anorexics for the past 2 years, but it is a hard battle to fight. Even though she’s terribly thin, she always sees a fat person in the mirror. I wish I would have paid attention to the little things along the way.”
“Jason was a mouthy kid. He had something to say about everything. His dad and I would just roll our eyes and say, ‘Someday he’ll learn.’ I don’t think he has yet . . . and he’s back home living with us because he just lost his income.”
If you want your child to be a healthy, well-adjusted adult, you need to realize just how important you are in the picture. Your child needs not only your attention but also a relationship with you.
What Kind of Parent Are You?
So often I hear people say, “I never wanted to be like my parents. I hated the way they parented. But then I open my mouth and sound just like them. And I act like it too.” This just goes to show that what parents model sticks—and sticks well. That’s because every child wants to please his parent. Every child longs for parental approval and can’t stand it when he doesn’t get it. There’s nothing worse than knowing you’ve disappointed your parent. If that disapproval is continual, the child will rebel—the old “oh, yeah? Forget you” syndrome.
There are three types of parents, and who you are as a parent has a lot to do with the way your child responds to you. I’ve talked about this in depth in other books (Making Children Mind without Losing Yours is a great resource for this topic), so I’ll just summarize here.
“Buford, have you chosen to go to bed yet?”
Do you want to make sure your child never fails? Are you continually