Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [18]
A permissive parent:
• Is a slave to the child.
• Places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.
• Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself.
• Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience; makes things as easy as possible—does homework for the child, answers for her, and so on.
• Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting.
Does this sound like you?
“You go to bed right NOW!”
Are you always right? Do you bark out orders to your kid and threaten him with warnings if he doesn’t immediately do what you say? Do you tell him how to do life in no uncertain terms?
An authoritarian parent:
• Makes all decisions for the child.
• Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior.
• Sees himself as better than the child.
• Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child.
Does this sound like you?
“Let me know when you’ve brushed your teeth, and I’ll come tuck you in.”
Do you ask your children the facts about a situation and what they think about it before you jump to conclusions? Do you give them age-appropriate choices? Do you look out for their welfare, yet allow them to experience the consequences of their behaviors?
An authoritative or responsible parent:
• Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him.
• Provides the child with decision-making opportunities.
• Develops consistent, loving discipline.
• Holds the child accountable.
• Lets reality be the teacher.
• Conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem.3
You as the parent are in the position to leave an indelible mark on your child. And you do it often without even being aware of it. The truth is, both extremes (permissive and authoritarian) will cause children to rebel. With a permissive parent, there are no guidelines, and children flounder. With the authoritarian parent, everything is heavy-handed. The wise parent finds the middle ground.
Let’s say you are sitting down for dinner, and your child isn’t crazy about your food choice of pork chops.
The permissive parent would say, “Oh, honey, do you want a cheeseburger instead? I’ll get up right now and make it.” (While your spouse is looking at his pork chop and wondering what’s wrong with it.)
The authoritarian parent would say, “Eat it. Pork chops are good for you. And you better clean your plate.”
The authoritative parent would say, “I know pork chops aren’t your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something else afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important.”
What makes the difference? The authoritative parent is majoring on the relationship and minoring on everything else.
It’s All about the Connection
If you don’t have a connection with your child, why should she care what you think? If your child doesn’t feel your love and acceptance for her—no matter what she does—there will be no relationship.
You can’t run a family by rules if there is no connection between family members. If you try to, you’ll always have an adversarial relationship. Your children will know that no matter what they say, do, or look like, you’ll be playing judge and jury. If that’s the way your home is run, no wonder you get knee-jerk reactions every time you try to talk to your kids.
Note that I said “talk to your kids,” not “ask your kids questions.” There’s a big difference. Asking questions puts your child on the defensive. Instead, make open-ended statements (even in response to stupid or out-of-the-blue comments) such as, “I’ve never thought about it that way. Tell me more.” Let’s say your child wants to listen to her music in the car, as all teens do. I’ve got news for you: