Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [19]
Such comments are respectful of your children, and they set the paradigm that you are open to talking with your children about anything. Talking with your children about the little things means that they will be more likely to talk with you about the big things.
Your children need to know that you are on their team—that no matter what they do, you love them. You may not like what they do, but that doesn’t change your love for them. Many children don’t experience the connection, but they experience the pressure. They are bullied into submission, called names, ordered around, told they have to do better in school—and then the next day parents act like none of that happened.
That’s why parents need to address their own behavior before they expect their children to change. Many parents create a home environment that is not a fun place to be. Their kids are like robots with no choice (until they choose to act in rebellion). Yet you worked hard to have this child. Some of you went to fertility clinics, held your legs up after sex when you were trying to get pregnant, or went through myriad paperwork for adoption. Is it too much to ask that you show your child some attention and appreciation 3 years or 15 years down the road? To take the time to find the middle ground in your parenting style? Rules don’t work without a relationship.
You May Not Have Much, Mama, but It’s All You Need
You don’t need a PhD. You don’t need to have a lot of money. You have all you need. You know the biggest secret of all: your child wants to please you. She can’t stand it when she knows you’re unhappy with her. She wants to know you are a team. Yes, all this is true, even if she sometimes gives you the eye roll and wants you to walk 10 feet behind her because you’re embarrassing her.
What’s most important is your relationship, and that is based on respect and unconditional love. So much has to do with you and how you treat your children.
Every once in a while, slip your child a commercial. I love to do that. The other day my youngest, Lauren, was in the backseat of the car when I was telling Holly, her 35-year-old sister, “I can’t wait to see what Lauren is going to be someday. I know it’s going to be something special.” I wanted Lauren to hear what I was saying. I wanted her to know that I like the person she’s become, and I look forward to our future together. Most parents talk very little to kids. I want to talk to my children and also tell good gossip about them.
Parent, you hold all the aces. You’ve got the bank account, the car, the house, the groceries, the power. Children have nothing except what you give them and what they’ll someday inherit.
What kind of legacy are you going to leave for them? If you want them to be healthy, independent thinkers who are kind and giving to others, now is the time to start. And you can start by changing yourself.
If you tend toward being authoritarian, work on giving your children age-appropriate choices. Children need to develop the ability to make good life decisions. After all, you’re not going to be in the same house with your child, making her decisions when she’s 32, are you? It’s not likely. When you release your children to the world, you want to know that they will be all right on their own. That they will be standing on a firm foundation of love, acceptance, and understanding.
So give age-appropriate choices. There’s nothing wrong with saying to your child, “Which would you rather have for breakfast? French toast or scrambled eggs?”
However, you also need an understanding of your child’s age and stage. If you say to your 4- to 6-year old, “Oh, honey! Your birthday is coming up in six weeks. Why don’t we go to the toy store and get an idea of what you want?” you’ve created a scenario in which you are going to lose. Children his age live for the moment. Tomorrow is too far away. Six weeks is a lifetime. He’s not emotionally mature enough