Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [21]
Susan, Kansas
My husband left me a year ago for another woman after 13 years of marriage, and I have full custody of our 2 boys. Every once in a while, I get in the pit of depression, feeling like I’m not there for my kids enough (I have to work full-time now) or that I’m too strict on them (they come home from their dad’s house full of too much sugar and exhausted from late bedtimes). Your talk on “You May Not Have Much, Mama, but It’s All You Need” was exactly what I needed to remind me what I do have and how important I am to the kids. Thanks. It’s the encouragement I need to raise my boys.
Tamara, New Mexico
I’ve read so many statistics about how children raised by a single mom are doomed that I felt doomed. Then I heard your parenting principles and thought, Hey, I can do that, with or without a spouse. You lightened my burden by pointing out that my relationship with my kids is the most important thing. I can’t give them everything, but I can give them my time and attention. That was exactly what I needed to hear (and I loved your 3 simple strategies for success too). I felt like you were cheering me on.
Lily, Iowa
Thursday
But What If I Damage Their Psyche?
(Uh . . . What’s a Psyche?)
There’s praise, and there’s encouragement.
Your kid is smart enough to know the difference.
I knew a kid who was a real live wire and a comedian. He got thrown out of fourth grade because he put his hand down his pants, stuck his finger out his fly, and wiggled it at the girls. He got kicked out of Cub Scouts at age 11 for “unpredictable behavior.” He got thrown out of consumer’s math (the math the “dummies” took so they could at least buy groceries when they graduated) as a senior in high school. He was the kind of guy everyone laughed at, but only his mother really believed he’d grow up to count for something.
Until Vincent Stearns, a high school English teacher, stepped in. He took no crap from anyone and made his expectations very clear. Well, this child had barely done homework in all his years of school—but he did homework for Mr. Stearns. For the first time he rose to the challenge, because guess what? Mr. Stearns had such positive expectations of the young man’s abilities that even a flunky would take notice.
What made the difference?
1. The expectations were clear. There was no wiggle room for miscommunication.
2. The adult expected the best . . . so he got it.
It didn’t matter that the kid’s academic records were at the bottom of the scale. It didn’t matter that the kid was known to get his kicks from clowning around and drawing attention to himself.
That teacher gave the young man a second chance.
Expect the Best, Get the Best
These days, parents are overly concerned with a child’s self-esteem. “I want Johnny to feel good about himself,” a mother says.
So what does that mother do? She goes out of her way to clear life’s roads for her child, to do things for him that he should be doing for himself.
She thinks she’s helping him with his self-esteem, but what is she really doing? She’s sending a negative message: “I think you’re so stupid that you can’t do it yourself, so I’ll do it for you.”
It’s similar to saying things one time only. If you remind children more than once, you’re saying, “You’re so dumb I don’t think you’re going to get it, so I’ll say it again.” Actually, saying it once consistently increases your chance that you will be heard and your instructions followed.
Many children are “mommy-deaf”—and for good reason. When rules change with Mom’s hormones, why should they bother to follow them?
Doing things your children should do is not respectful of them. Expecting