Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [22]
Don’t be afraid to set the bar high (many children can do far more than you could dream), but don’t expect the world either. If your D-student son comes home with mostly Cs and 2 Bs because he’s been working really hard, that’s something to celebrate! If your 4-year-old decides to clean her room on her own, although things are not quite as clean as you’d like, tell her you appreciate her thoughtfulness in cleaning her room (and don’t follow behind her, cleaning it further).
Does that mean you should never help your child? No. You are the captain of the Good Ship Family on the sea of life. Like all good captains, you need to be in charge of your boat and aware of where the hiddenrocks are, and you have to have a port of call to know where you’re going. There will be times when some of your passengers will fall off your ship, but you don’t have to let them drown. They will need a life jacket and a rescue.
Self-esteem or Self-worth?
There is a big difference between children “feeling good” about themselves (self-esteem) and true self-worth. Many parents today are so concerned about their child’s self-esteem that they are raising feel-good children: they have to feel good about themselves and everything they do. You wouldn’t want any waves on their ocean of life, now would you? Nothing to cause the little darlings to have to swim for it.
Making a child feel good is easy. Just give him everything he wants, when he wants it. But if you do, that hedonistic little sucker takes over and turns into an adolescent big sucker. He’ll give you a run for your money with his expectations. That run for your money can often last way into a child’s twenties and thirties. Interestingly, 2 of the 10 moms who talk about mother stress at my seminars are older parents who have a child college-age or older living with them. “Boomerang kids,” I call them. The kind of children who felt good about themselves because Mom and Dad always took care of things for them. Now Mom and Dad are seemingly stuck in that role even when the child is an adult and should be stepping up to the plate.
Part of the art of parenting is knowing when to draw the line and when your children need a push. Adult children who are still living at home definitely need a push out into the real world.
Did you know that your job, as parent, isn’t to make your child happy? In fact, an unhappy child is a healthy child. Look at it this way. If you’re happy and everything is going well, are you motivated to change? It’s when things aren’t going well that you start evaluating. Hmm, that didn’t work so well. Maybe I should try something different next time. That same thinking is true for your child. When a child is unhappy (it could be because of something she has done wrong or simply the fact that you are not heeding her wishes), she’s motivated to do something different. That’s again why the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle works so well. What she gets away with . . . or doesn’t get away with . . . depends on how closely you adhere to the principles in this book.
Feeling good is a temporary thing. It’s based on feelings, and those change from moment to moment. A child can feel good about getting a toy he wants, but true self-worth is established when the child works hard for a toy, earns that toy, and truly can call it his own, thinking, I did that myself. Wow. This is how it works. By providing the types of experiences where children pull their weight and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self-worth.
The Pillars of Self-worth
We’ve already talked about the ABCs of Attitude, Behavior, and Character and how important they are in your child’s life. But there are also a second group of ABCs:
• Acceptance
• Belonging
• Competence
These ABCs are the 3 pillars of self-worth for any person.
Acceptance
Remember, children