Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [23]
If, by your words and actions, you are portraying the thought, Hey, kid, go for it; I know you can do it, you’re establishing a healthy self-worth. Children fly sky-high for a long time on just one compliment. But note that the compliment has to be true—not a made-up one to make the child feel better (more on that later in this chapter). Otherwise every kid on the planet will see right through you. Ah, I get it. I’m a real loser. And that’s what Mom and Dad think too. Dad can’t even come up with one good thing to say about me that’s true. And then that child will live up to your unwritten expectations.
If children don’t find unconditional acceptance in your home, they will talk less (or not at all) to you, listen to CDs nonstop, use their iPods at dinner rather than communicating, and swap stories via IM with their friends about unfair house rules and stinkin’ parents. You see, kids accept kids for who they are. They don’t hassle them for their blue hair (they think it’s kinda cool), their nose ring (they’ve got ’em too),or their baggy pants (give ’em all belts, I say!).
But the truth of the matter is, as important of an influence as peers are to your child, the peer group can’t do diddly-squat for him. Think about it. If your 11-year-old has anything, you bought it for him—that includes soap and a toothbrush. Your child is a lot more helpless than he seems. That’s why the method of “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” works so well.
Does accepting your child mean accepting everything he does? No, because as we’ve said earlier, children can do dumb-as-mud things. There will be times when, frankly, you don’t much like your child. But you can always extend unconditional love and acceptance. If you do, he’ll be less likely to seek acceptance in his peer group.
Belonging
Every child needs to belong somewhere. Will it be in your home or in his peer group? Gangs in South Central L.A. flourish because they provide a sense of belonging. There’s a shared ID there, something those children do not get at home.
From the get-go, establish your home as a place to belong. Give family members a vote in decisions. Listen to what others think and say. Support each other in any activities you do. Instead of piling on a host of after-school activities, choose them wisely so you can set aside family time. Don’t lose your family dinners or your family vacations. Friends will change, but family stays. Say through your actions, “We’re a family. We belong together.”
When a new acquaintance approached 15-year-old Melanie to ask if she wanted a cigarette, she simply said, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” Because Melanie had a strong sense of belonging in her family, she didn’t need that cigarette. She liked herself just as she was. Implanted deeply within her character were the pillars of Acceptance and Belonging, because her family had majored on family time and minored on outside-the-home activities. She knew who she was: a Crayburn.
Do your kids know who they belong to? If there is no sense of “belonging” in your home, there will be no relationship. Without a relationship, your rules, your words, and your actions mean nothing. The wedge between you and your children will drive them toward Acceptance and Belonging in a group outside your home.
Competence
Want to empower your children? Give them responsibility. When your child takes the initiative to get the job done—whether it’s feeding the dog, fixing his bike, making dinner—say, “Good job. Bet that made you feel good inside.” (If used properly, you see, the temporary “feel good” can be an inspiration to a child to do something again.) And it did, because your child did something all on his own, and he should feel proud of that