Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [24]
When we as parents set up parameters for children to make, create, and excel at things, and then we stand back and say, “Good job,” that’s empowerment. What does that child think? Hey, I can do this. My mom and dad believe I can do it. They’re thinking the best of me. Let’s see what I can do.
Your child doesn’t flourish when you do everything for him. He develops true self-worth when he contributes to a project or, even better, does it himself. Those “projects” could include a young child getting her own drink out of the fridge or making a PB and J, a 7-year-old making her own lunch for school, or a 16-year-old newly licensed driver picking up groceries for you. When you allow your children to be competent, they will be competent. And if they fail? They learn how to do things differently the next time. As their responsibilities increase, confidence in their own competence increases. That’s how children get ready to move out into the adult world as healthy, functioning members of society.
Your children are longing for Acceptance from you. They ache for Belonging in a family. And they want to have Competence. If they don’t get these from you, they’ll seek them in their peers. You matter much more in your child’s world than you think—which is why your parenting matters more than you think.
My Child Is So Gifted, He Can Count Backward!
Ever heard one of those moms who just gushes out praise to her child?
• “Oh, Ethan, you’re such a good boy! You got an A in math.
Oh, that’s just wonderful! I can’t wait to tell your father. I’m sure he’ll take you out for ice cream.”
• “You’re so smart. You built that Lego tower all by yourself!”
• “You’re so cute when you do that. I can’t wait to show it to the neighbors.”
• “You look adorable in that skirt.”
If I went out right now and asked any parent, “Is it good for parents to praise their children?” I bet every single one of them would say yes. But they’re wrong.
Praise isn’t good for kids. That’s because most of the time it’s false and drummed up to make them feel good, and your children are smart enough to know the difference. It’s never a good idea to associate “goodness” or “cuteness” with how a child does a certain task. If the child did the task badly, would that make him bad or ugly?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
Praise links a child’s worth to what she does. To a child’s mind, that means, Uh-oh, if I don’t do something “good” all the time, then I’m not worth anything. And Mom and Dad won’t love me.
It goes back to the pillars of self-worth: Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence. Children need to feel unconditional acceptance no matter what they do, to know they’ll always belong to your household, and to learn to be competent. All of these pillars will be knocked down by the falseness of praise.
Instead, encourage your child. Encouragement emphasizes the act and not the person. Here’s a replay of the comments above, in the context of encouragement:
• “Oh, Ethan, you got an A in math. I know you’ve been working extra hard in that area, and that work really paid off.
You’ll have to tell your dad about it. He’ll be happy too.”
• “I love what you built with your Legos. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself. What are you going to build next?”
• “That’s a fun cheer. Where did you learn it?”
• “When you went shopping yesterday, you did a great job. That skirt looks great on you. A wise choice.”
See the difference? It may seem subtle, but it means the world to a child. When you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else because he succeeded in that area. Little by little, your encouragements build a core foundation of solid self-worth that will last through any situation in life and even combat negative peer pressure.
So the next time your daughter plays the piano well in a festival, say, “Oh, honey, you must be happy with your performance. You worked so hard to get that piece just right. That was beautiful!” And the next time your child scores a goal in soccer, say, “I can sure