Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [25]
Don’t praise your child by saying, “You’re the greatest kid who ever walked the earth.” What happens when she isn’t? Besides, she can already look around and see she’s not the greatest, so she knows you’re lying to make her feel good. That sets up the disconnect in your relationship: Hmm, can I trust Dad’s word? He’s snowing me now.
Instead, encourage her in what she does: “I noticed yesterday that you helped your little brother when he was struggling to tie his shoes. Instead of doing it for him, you coached him and then encouraged him, saying it would get even easier next time. That was great, honey. I appreciate it. You have a very kind heart.”
Such encouragement not only spurs your children on but further solidifies their 3 pillars of self-worth.
Remember the kid at the beginning of the chapter—the live wire and comedian whom only his mother believed in? The kid no one thought would go anywhere in life? Even though that kid was a goof-off, his parents provided a firm foundation of self-worth through the pillars of unconditional Acceptance (even though he tested it many times as he grew up, and his mother grew extra gray hair in the process) and Belonging (this baby of the family always knew that he was part of the family and had an important role there). His mother would sigh each time he failed a class, then encourage him in the area of Competence once again. It wasn’t until that kid met teachers like Mr. Stearns, though, that he grew in the area of Competence. For his mother, it was a long wait . . . but she never gave up.
How do I know?
Because that kid was me.
I’m in my third year of teaching kindergarten, so when I heard you speak about your principles, I was excited as both a mom and a teacher. I can’t wait to put your books on my first-day letter to parents as “Recommended Reads.” I’m also going to explain about the 3 pillars of Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence and about the difference between praise and encouragement. Your books will give me a way to talk to parents about difficult things during the school year—especially since I already know 2 of my 20 children were known as “difficult” in the nearby preschool. I have this sneaky little feeling I know where they got being “difficult” from.
Tricia, Georgia
My daughter called yesterday. She felt so stressed with her 5 children (ages 10, 6, 4, 3, and 3 months) and just needed some encouragement. Based on your principles, I shared with her all the things she was doing right and encouraged her to take the long view . . . and a nice, long bath when her husband got home.
Harriet, California
I’ve been divorced for 1½ years, and I have 2 young children. Because I felt so bad that they didn’t have a father, I was going out of my way to praise everything they did. Thanks for showing me the difference between praise and encouragement. From now on, I’m going to encourage my boys, not praise them. And I’m going to work hard on the ABCs instead of feeling guilty that I can’t provide everything for them.
Janna, Arizona
Your words about Acceptance, Belonging, and Competence hit home for me. I’ve always internalized the image of myself held up to me by other people during my childhood. I didn’t realize how much my permissive parenting had to do with the fact that I didn’t feel good about myself. The few times I could remember my parents being kind to me had to do with praise. But I was never encouraged. Now that I know the difference, I’m going to go out of my way to encourage my daughter. I’ve been doing it all wrong, but now I’m going to do it right. Hearing you speak was a huge step of healing in my own life . . . and the encouragement I needed to look forward!
Marta, Alabama
Friday
The Doc Is In . . . and It’s You
It’s time to pull together your game plan.
Your mantra: “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”
For the past four days, we’ve been setting the stage for change in your home. You’ve done some evaluating each day about what you can