Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [28]
3. Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this?”
Don’t own what isn’t yours, and don’t force the ownership on a sibling either. You need to keep the ball in your child’s court.
Don’t take over what she should be doing herself.
2. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away.
I’ve got news for you. Kids won’t stop misbehaving on their own. They gain too much by it. You have to intercede and administer loving and consistent discipline.
An old CEO of a major airline told me that at one time the airline gave the employee at the counter 100 percent discretion to make decisions about passengers. “Kevin,” he said, “because too many ticket agents took liberties, we lost millions.” That airline learned the hard way that they can’t just give a ticket agent carte blanche. Nor can you as a parent give a child carte blanche. You are responsible for informed guidance.
Let’s say you’re going shopping for fall clothing. You say to your child, “This is the budget we have to spend on your clothes this fall. You can spend it any way you want, but we cannot go over this amount.” That still leaves the child with the freedom to decide what kind of clothing she will purchase with that money. But if you see her going the way of buying twelve T-shirts, you might want to say, “Those T-shirts look great, but you might need a sweater and some jeans too.” You are giving your child informed guidance. If she chooses not to follow it, she may end up washing the same pair of jeans every night for the next school year. And if your child insists on buying clothing that does not fit your standards (i.e., too tight, too low), then your informed guidance should say a firm no.
If informed guidance could save your child a lot of grief in the small things, like clothing choices, then why would you, as parent, not offer informed guidance in the more important issue of misbehavior?
Simply said, you can’t let the prisoners run the asylum. They’ll get themselves intoo much trouble. In such cases, it’s better to force a blowout than to face a slow leak, hoping your child will come to her senses one day.
1. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to . . . do something else.
Get Ready, Get Set . . .
A woman came to my seminar and told me, “I’m so tired of the way things are done at my house. The kids treat me like a slave and a short-order cook. No one likes anything I make, and they complain about it all the time. It’s been this way for years, but I’m sick of it.”
This poor woman was at marine training camp, and she’d been cleaning and licking boots for years. Her family expected it. But no longer.
Here’s what I told her: “Lady, you need to go on strike. Don’t cook dinner at all. For a week. Go out for dinner each night, get a bite to eat by yourself. If your children ask where you’re going, just say, “Out.” When you come home, don’t do the laundry, don’t wake them up for school, don’t make breakfast or lunch. Get their attention. You are not their slave; you’re their mother. When they ask, simply say, ‘I’m done doing things for you. Until I see effort on your part, I quit.’ And just watch the shock on your kids’ faces.”
You see, oftentimes you’re too good a mother. You’re too good a father. You do way too many things for your children. On Fun Day you need to level the playing ground, using the “B doesn’t happen until A is completed” principle.
It isn’t rocket science. Any parent can do it. Your kids need you to step up to the plate so life in your home can be what it should be—a place of love, respect, and accountability for actions.
Now launch your plan. Stick to your guns. Your mantra should be, “I can’t wait for that kid to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war.”
Just do it!
I have been struggling with my daughters, ages 7 and 4, for some time now, and I have felt such frustration. I’ve felt like a total failure because I find myself constantly yelling at them, then feeling incredible