Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [27]
The good news is, if your child is thrashing as he comes out of the water, you’ll know you’re on the right track.
What’s Up, Doc?
Now you get to play the shrink. Think about a situation that’s currently going on in your home. Ask and answer the following questions as if you’re the doctor in the house.
1. What’s the situation?
2. How would you diagnose it?
3. What’s the purposive nature of the behavior?
4. How do you feel about the behavior?
5. What would you normally do? Think it through.
6. Now what would you do differently? Whose problem is it? Have you left the ball in the child’s court, or are you attempting to dribble it yourself?
Consistency Wins Every Time
Remember that your child’s behavior serves a purpose in his life. It draws your attention to him and provides a power base for him (“I’m going to show you”). As your child grows more powerful, his contempt for you will grow. After all, if he can control you, why respect you? You’re not the authority figure any longer.
That’s why it’s so important to realize that your child is mis-behaving for a reason. More than anything else, she needs a relationship with you. Consistency in your Attitude, Behavior, and Character breeds contentment in your child, whether she is 3, 13, or 23. She can know that the rules won’t change based on your moods or life circumstances.
When you understand the basic principles in this book, you don’t need a shrink, because you can be the shrink. In fact, instead of paying a shrink to “solve your family problems,” take a trip together as a family. Too many parents pay psychiatrists to prescribe a label and then medicate their child when all the child needs is her parents’ time and attention.
Getting Ready for Fun Day
Want a new kid by Friday? Here’s a Top 10 list of what it takes. (For a summary, see p. 289.)
10. Be 100 percent consistent in your behavior.
You can follow these principles nine times and blow it the tenth time, and you’re back to square one. Think of it this way: you’re trying to forge a new and different path in life. You’re retraining your kid—and yourself—to behave differently. Your kid needs to know you mean business.
9. Always follow through on what you say you will do.
No matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. Never, ever back down. Don’t be a wuss. It won’t gain you or your child anything. In fact, it’ll put you in an adversarial position with your child, who will wonder, Hey, when is she serious, and when isn’t she?
8. Respond, don’t react.
Use actions, not words. Flying loose with your words will only gain you trouble. So close your mouth, think, and respond to the situation rather than reacting to it.
7. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in this situation? What should the new me do?”
Let’s say the siblings in your home have been going after each other for 9 years. What do you usually say and do? What will the new you do differently?
6. Never threaten your kids.
The problem with threats is that our children know we don’t mean them, because we rarely follow through on them. Even more, our threats often don’t make sense: “All right, no more candy for life!” “If you don’t get off that chair, you’re going to break your neck!” Even the youngest child can figure out when there’s no action or truth behind the threats.
5. Never get angry.
As soon as you get angry, you’ll be back at square one. I understand that there are triggers—things your kids do that make you angry. But you’re the adult in the situation. You are the one who ultimately decides when you get angry. Don’t let your children control your moods. If you get angry, an explosion of anger is like throwing up all over your child. The release in tension may feel good temporarily, but look what you’ve done to your child.
Okay, so you’re human. If and when you get angry, apologize quickly. For example, “Honey, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
4. Don’t give any warnings.
If you warn