Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [49]
For example, if your child likes a certain rock group you’re not crazy about, say, “I was thinking about that group the other day. I wonder if those guys in that band get along, if that guy with the far-out hairdo is as weird as he looks, and who the leader of the group is.”
If you meet your children on their interest level, they’ll be a lot more willing to talk. They’ll feel less alienated from you if you show interest in entering their world. By meeting them on their interest level, you’re saying, “I love you. I care about you. What interests you is of importance to me too.”
If your child makes a comment you think is shocking or ridiculous, instead of saying, “That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard,” which is probably your first inclination, instead say, “That’s interesting. Tell me more about that.”
By not asking questions, you’ll learn a lot more about your child and your child’s world.
Complaining
“He always goes into my room and messes it up.”
“Do we have to take her to the mall with us? She’s so embarrassing.”
“She took my sweater without asking. And now she can’t find it.”
“I hate that teacher. She’s so unfair.”
A long time ago, when I was assistant dean of students at a university, two secretaries complained nonstop to me about each other. Finally, I got tired of it. The next time one secretary complained about the other, I walked her, arm in arm, to that secretary’s desk. It nipped the complaining in the bud and took away all the angles. It forced those two women to handle their skirmishes themselves, instead of involving others.
Another time I received a call from a student’s parents. They were very upset because their son had phoned them about something he felt wasn’t fair. So I said thank you, then called the student into my office.
“How’s school going?” I asked.
“Great.”
“Your social life?”
“Your social “Fine.”
“Your classes?”
“They’re fine.”
Kids will always complain—about their brother, sister, other parent, teacher. In fact, children love to whine and complain about someone else.
What they don’t like to do is to confront the other person. So if your child complains, guide him toward the source of the complaint.
“Well, that’s interesting, because the reason you’re here in my office is that I got a call from your mom and dad.”
The student shifted in his seat. “Oh, don’t worry about that. I just wasn’t in a good mood last night. . . .”
Do you think that student was likely to call his folks anymore to blow off steam, knowing he could end up in my office again?
Not likely. He was forced to own up to his words.
Let’s say your son comes in and complains about his older brother. The responsible parent will say, “Listen, did you talk to your brother about that?” Chances are the child will say no. Then take him by the hand, lead him to his brother, and say, “Tell your brother how you feel.”
When I was in high school, when students got into a skirmish, the administrator would give them boxing gloves, take them to the gym, say, “Let me know when you’re through,” and walk out the door. But I never heard of anyone actually fighting. A couple of times I got collared and was brought to the gym. I never fought with anyone.
There was no “You started it” or “No, you did.” No one even bothered to point the finger of blame.
Such an action—putting two skirmishers together—will take the wind out of your child’s sails . . . or, more like it, take the sails out of your child’s wind.
Kids will blow about one thing or another. It’s a given. But if you guide your child toward the source of his complaint, you’ll often end the complaining quickly, without involving yourself any further.
Curfew
“My daughter is 16 and starting to hang out with guys. What curfew should I set?”
“Ryan ignores every curfew we ever set and comes home whenever he feels like it. I sit home by the window and worry until he gets home. My husband just gets mad and raises the roof once Ryan does get home about how