Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [50]
Some states and cities have curfews, but, frankly, curfews don’t make a lot of sense. Sande and I have raised 5 children, and we have never pronounced a certain “magic hour” when the children had to be off the streets and home. Instead, we’ve always put the ball back in their court. As soon as a teen is driving, she had better be responsible; otherwise she shouldn’t be driving. (By the way, driver’s education is good for teens, and it also saves Mom and Dad money for insurance.)
So when a child says, “Dad, what time do you want me to be home?” instead of giving a curfew—“You better be home by 10 p.m. or else”—say, “Be home at a reasonable hour.” This makes your teen think through his decision and be accountable for the time he chooses to come home.
Give your child the benefit of a doubt until he proves you wrong. If you have a 16- or 17-year-old who comes home at 4 a.m., I’d say that would be the last time he could borrow the car. In such a situation, you would say, “Coming home at 4 a.m. shows me that you don’t have good judgment. I’m not interested in lending my car, which I’m responsible for and is registered in my name and insured with my money, to someone who comes home at 4 a.m. Let’s cool it with the driving for a while and revisit this in 3 months.”
It may feel good to you as a parent to say these things, and it’s wise for you to take this tactic, but it also costs you. As soon as you uphold this important standard, you’ve impinged on your own life. That 16-year-old can no longer drive himself places. That means Mom or Dad will have to drive him.
But guess what? Parenting is an inconvenience. There are no two ways around it. You love your children, but sometimes—be honest—they are a pain in the neck (and other places too).
When you allow a child a 1- to 3-month time-out on driving, you’re sending a strong message about how lucky he was to be driving the family car—and what he’ll need to be doing differently next time. It’s a lesson not easily forgotten.
Children will misuse their freedom sometimes, but the important thing is to keep the ball in their court so they are growing in responsibility and toward a healthy adulthood.
So don’t set a curfew. Instead, say, “Be home at a reasonable hour.” Chances are, when you do so, your child will be home even earlier than you expect.
When our daughter Lauren went to a birthday party in eighth grade, I asked her when the party was over.
“There’s no end time,” she said, “just a start time. When do I need to be home?”
I threw the ball back into her court. “What do you think is reasonable?”
“Eleven o’clock,” she said. Interestingly, she phoned right at 11:00 from a girlfriend’s cell phone to say that she was on her way home. Did I tell her she had to? No. She did all that herself.
When Sande and I used this technique, our three older children—Holly, Krissy, and Kevin—came up with their own rules regarding the family car. Holly, our firstborn, was the one who started the rules. Sande and I had to laugh—her rules were stricter than ours would ever be!
Children need to know that driving is a privilege—not a right—as a family member. And coming home at a responsible hour without being told is an important part of the road to becoming a responsible adult.
Defiance/Purposeful Disobedience
“He looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘NO!’ at the top of his lungs.”
“I told her she couldn’t go to a movie with her friends. She sneaked out her window and went anyway.”
“He’s always facing off with me when his father is out of town. He knows better than to do it when his father is home.”
Defiance is a mountain—a very big mountain—if you don’t conquer it. And the earlier you climb it in your child’s life, the better.
Let’s say your 3-year-old defiantly stomps his foot and says, “No!” What is he doing? He’s challenging you to the nth degree. He has absolutely dug in, and he’s not going to do what you’ve asked him to do.If spanking is compatible with your family values, this is indeed the time for a good swat on your kid’s tail,