Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [51]
If your older child (age 10 and up) is purposefully defiant, then you have a much larger problem. You have a son or daughter you cannot trust.
What’s the answer? What works best with defiance is—all of a sudden, without warning—giving the child vitamin N (No) at every turn.
Child: “We gotta go. It’s time for basketball practice.”
Parent: “No, you’re not going. I’m not going to drive you.”
Child: “Can I have 10 bucks?”
Parent: “No.”
Child: “Can I go to Jack’s house?”
Parent: “No.”
Here’s what’s interesting and why this method works so well. These are always things you’ve let that child do in the past. Now, suddenly, you are not letting her do anything. Sooner or later (and usually sooner) the child wants to know why not. “What’s the deal? You always let me do that.”
How should you respond? Bamboozle the kid. “Why not?” you ask. “Why don’t you spend a few minutes in your room thinking about why not? When you come to the conclusion about why you think I said it, I’d be happy to talk to you.”
Then remove yourself from the proximity of the child so she doesn’t have the opportunity to try to argue and raise your blood pressure.
Most children, when left to themselves, will come up with the reason and will say, “I’m sorry.”
But that’s when you have to stick to your guns without shooting yourself in the foot. An apology from the child doesn’t change the fact that she goes nowhere for the day.
Now, tomorrow? That’s a new day, and it should have a new chance.
But for the lesson to stick, the child needs to feel the consequences of defiant behavior. Sometimes it means you suffer too (not being able to go to an event you wanted to go to). However, letting a child do her activity that day, after saying I’m sorry, means she hasn’t learned anything (other than to continue manipulating you). And neither have you.
Disrupting in the Classroom
“Jake’s the kind of kid who’s always in trouble. He got caught shooting the librarian with a water pistol. Then he let out a mouse from biology into the girls’ restroom, and all the girls ran out screaming. Every year Jake spends hours in the principal’s office, and teachers groan the following year when they find out he’s on their roster.”
You know this kid. He seems to make it a goal to disrupt the classroom. He’s the one who sets off smoke bombs in the garbage can under the teacher’s desk. He’s the one who gets out of his desk in the middle of class and starts crawling toward the door like a snake. He’s the one with his hand always up, ready to contribute something witty to make the other children laugh. He’s the one who simply can’t sit still. He’s the one that students roll their eyes at, but he always succeeds in being the entertainer.
He’s also the one who drives every teacher on the planet crazy. I know what kids like Jake need, because I used to beone of those disruptive kids. All that disruption is for one purpose only: to gain attention. So stop and give him attention.
“Leman, are you crazy?” you’re saying. “If I give him attention, he’ll only do it more. It’ll encourage him.”
Ah, but listen to the rest of the story. Jake’s behavior didn’t change until I suggested this strategy to the parents and teachers. (For those of you parents who are aghast at this one, remember that this book is titled Have a New Kid by Friday. We have a lot to accomplish in a short time frame, so drastic measures are needed sometimes.) Every time Jake acted disruptive, the teacher was to stop the class and acknowledge the behavior. “Class, I see today that Jake wants to entertain us. Go ahead, Jake, and do what you want to do, and we’ll all watch.” This acknowledgment would take all the fun and surprise out of the behavior. After Jake (now not quite so confident)