Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [5]
Why do your kids do what they do . . . and continue to do it? Your response has a lot to do with it.
Four-year-old Matthew was in a bad mood. His mom could tell that as soon as she picked him up from preschool. All he wanted to do was argue with her. Then he delivered the vehement kicker from the backseat as they drove home: “I hate you!”
If you were his parent, how would you respond?
You could:
1. Let the kid have it with a tongue-lashing of your own.
2. Ignore the kid and pretend he doesn’t exist.
3. Try something new and revolutionary that would nip this kind of behavior in the bud . . . for good.
Which option would you prefer?
If you responded with a tongue-lashing of your own, both of you would leave that car feeling ugly and out of sorts. And what would be solved in the long run? You’d feel terrible the rest of the day. Your son would go to his room and sulk. One or both of you would eventually end up apologizing (probably you first, since your parental guilt would reign; then, because you would feel bad for losing your temper, you’d probably end up liberally dosing the child with treats).
If you ignored the kid and pretended he didn’t exist, it might work for a while—until he needed something from you. With a 4-year-old, that lasts about 4.9 seconds since there are so many things he can’t reach in the house (like the milk in the refrigerator on the top shelf). The problem is, if you don’t address the behavior, you’ll spend the rest of your day steaming under the surface . . . and kicking the dog.
This mom decided to go out on a limb and do something revolutionary. She was very nervous; she wondered if it would really work. She’d read all the discipline books and tried so many methods. None of the other techniques had worked. And Matthew was . . . well, getting to be a brat. She couldn’t believe she was actually thinking that about her own child, but it was true.
She sighed. Desperate times call for desperate measures. But this new technique she’d heard about made so much sense. It had worked for three of her girlfriends. They said all it required was her standing up and being a parent, using consistency and follow-through in her own actions, and not backing down. She knew that would be the hardest part. She was a wuss when it came to Matthew. When he turned those big, blue, teary eyes on her, he always got what he wanted.
But today things were changing, she determined. She was going to give this new method her best effort. She had to do something. Matthew was driving her crazy. Just last week he’d thrown a temper tantrum in the mall; he’d bitten the neighbor girl when she wouldn’t give him a toy of hers that he wanted; and the preschool had told her she needed to do something about Matthew’s aggressive behavior toward his classmates.
Once she and Matthew got in the house, she didn’t say a word. She went about her business, putting away the shopping bags from the car. After a few minutes, Matthew wandered into the kitchen. Usually chocolate chip cookies and milk awaited him there. It was his routine after-preschool snack.
“Mommy, where are my cookies and milk?” he asked, looking at the usual place on the kitchen counter.
“We’re not having cookies and milk today,” she said matter-of-factly. Then she turned her back on the child she’d pushed 11½ hours for and walked into another room.
Did Matthew say to himself, Well, I guess I’ll have to do without that today? No, because children are creatures of habit. So what did Matthew do? He followed his mother to the next room.
“Mommy, I don’t understand. We always have cookies and milk after preschool.”
Mom looked him in the eye and said, “Mommy doesn’t feel like getting you cookies and milk today.” She turned and walked into another room.
By now, Matthew was like an NFL quarterback on Sunday afternoon—scrambling to get to the goal. He followed his mom into the next room. “But, Mommy, this has never happened before.” There was panic in his voice. He was starting to tremble. “I don’t understand.”
Mom now knew that Matthew was ready to hear