Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [6]
“We are not having milk and cookies today because Mommy doesn’t like the way you talked to me in the car.” Again, Mom turned to walk away.
But before she took three steps, Matthew had a giant meltdown. He ran toward his mother and grabbed her leg (after all, he is part of the ankle-biter battalion). He was crying profusely. “I’m sorry, Mommy! I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Time for another wonderful opportunity. The mom accepted Matthew’s apology, gave him a hug, and reminded him that she loved him. She also told him how she felt when he talked to her like that. Three minutes later, things were patched up, and she let Matthew out of her embrace. She began again to go about her work.
What did she hear next from Matthew? “Mommy, can I have my milk and cookies now?”
It was the moment she feared. She steeled her courage and said calmly, “Honey, I told you no. We are not going to have milk and cookies today.”
Matthew was stunned. He opened his mouth to argue, then walked away sadly.
Let me ask you: will that little boy think next time before he disses his mother?
Why Little Buford Misbehaves . . .
and Gets Away with It
Why is it these days that so many children tend to diss their parents, to act disrespectfully? Why are so many parents caught in the roles of threatening and cajoling and never getting anywhere? What’s going on here?
Kids do what they do because they’ve gotten away with it!
It all comes down to who is really in charge of your family. Is it you or your child? Today’s parents often don’t act like parents. They are so concerned about being their child’s friend, about not wounding their child’s psyche, about making sure their child is happy and successful, that they fail in their most important role: to be a parent. They snowplow their child’s road in life, smoothing all the bumps so the child never has to be uncomfortable or go out of her way. Why should she? She’s used to having things done for her. Mom and Dad have become mere servants, doing the whims of the children, rather than parents, who have the child’s long-term best in mind.
Parents today are also great excuse makers, and they tend to put themselves in blame positions—“I couldn’t get her homework done because I had a business dinner”—rather than calling a spade a spade: “My daughter didn’t get her homework done because she was too lazy to do it.” They spend more time warning and reminding than they do training.
As a result, today’s kids are growing more and more powerful. They’re all about “me, me, me” and “gimme.” They are held accountable less and less and have fewer responsibilities in the family. To them, family is about not what you can give but what you can get. Fewer children today consider others before themselves because they’ve never been taught to think that way.
Every child is a smart little sucker, and he has a predictable strategy. In the daily trial-and-error game designed to get the best of you, he’s motivated to win because then you’ll do anything he says. That means if he tries something, and it works, he’ll try it again. But he’ll ramp up the efforts a little. Instead of simply crying when he doesn’t get his treat, he’ll add a little kicking too. If slamming the door causes you to go trotting after your teenage daughter to hand over the car keys like she wanted, she’ll be more dramatic the next time she wants them. Children are masters at manipulation. Don’t think they’re not manipulating you.
That’s why your child’s behavior has everything to do with you. If you allow your child to win, your child’s smart enough to try the behavior again next time. Have a New Kid by Friday is designed to give you a whole arsenal of tools to use without shooting your kid down. But it’ll also accomplish something else if you follow the principles: it’ll help you be the kind of parent you want to be so you can have