Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [7]
These principles work with 4-year-olds, 14-year-olds, and even CEOs of million-dollar companies. Just try them and watch them work. The basic principles may seem hard-edged, and some of you may be squeamish at first. But you came to this book because you want to see changes in your home, and you want to see them fast. Well, I’m that kind of guy. If you want me to hold your hand for 1½ years while you talk through all your problems over and over but don’t really want to do anything to change them, you’ve got the wrong guy. But if you want to face life square on and do things differently for your entire family’s welfare, you’ve got the right guy. People are astonished at the changes that happen in their homes in just 5 days. Teens have gone from mouthy and rebellious to quiet, respectful, and helpful. Screaming, tantrum-throwing toddlers are now saying “please” and “thank you.”
So give this book a chance. Think about where you’d like to be. I can help you get there.
Attention, Please
Did you know that everything your child does is for a reason? This is called in psychologist speak, thanks to Dr. Alfred Adler, the “purposive nature of the behavior.” When your child misbehaves, he’s doing it to get your attention. All children are attention getters. If your child can’t get your attention in positive ways, he’ll go after your attention in negative ways. That’s because a child’s private logic (the inner dialogue that tells him who and what he is and will inform his entire life) is being formed right now. And children naturally think, I only count when people notice me or when other people are serving me. I only count when I dominate, control, and win.
Here’s the good news: what children learn, they can unlearn. Author Anne Ortlund has said, “Children are like wet cement—moldable and impressionable,”1 and she couldn’t be more right. Children are malleable—up to a point. But as they grow, their “cement” hardens. That’s why the earlier you can start addressing your child’s Attitude, Behavior, and Character, the better. (More on this in the “Tuesday” chapter.)
The problem with training is that it
takes time, and parents today don’t have time and don’t make time. Some kids spend most of their days in what I call “kiddy kennels” (day care), then they spend their late afternoon and evening time in multiple programs: gymnastics, choir, baseball, etc.
When I used to teach at the University of Arizona, I worked with classes of 300 students—including graduate students, medical doctors, and nurses—in an auditorium. I’d bring in families and problem solve with them. Then I’d ask the students basic questions:
1. How do you think this child learned his behavior?
2. Why is he misbehaving?
3. What are the parents doing about it now? Why doesn’t this work?
4. How did the parents say they feel about this behavior?
5. At what level is this child’s behavior—stage 1 (attention getting) or stage 2 (revenge)?
6. What do you think these parents should do?
One family who was struggling with the behavior of their son told me all the activities he was involved in. Other than school, that young man had something every single night of the week, and he was only 10! My advice to the parents was, “Cut the extracurricular activities. All of them. Instead of taking your son to counseling, stay home and spend time together. The behavior you are seeing is because your son wants and needs your attention. He’s desperate for your attention. And no coach is going to replace the role you have as parents in the life of your child.”
When your child is acting up or acting out, what is he really saying? “Pay attention to me, please!”
If you don’t pay attention to your child in the right way (we’ll talk more about that in the “Thursday” chapter), your child ups the ante to the next level: revenge. “I feel hurt by life, so I have a right to strike out at others, including you.” If your child is at this level, you really need this book. Many children who proceed to the revenge stage are headed toward the beginning of