Have a New Kid by Friday - Dr Kevin Leman [8]
Power Struggles
When you choose to do battle with your children, you’ll never win. You have much more to lose than they do. Your teenage daughter couldn’t care less if her shirt is too tight, but you care, and she knows it. So what is she implying as she flounces down the stairs, dramatically crosses the kitchen, and bounces out of the door with a backward look? “I dare you to say anything!”
You’ll never win in a power struggle, so don’t go there. Instead I’ll teach you a different way, a better way. A way in which you can establish your authority in the home.
Creatures of Habit
There was a classic study done in which researchers conditioned pigeons to peck 3 times in order to receive their reward, a pellet of food. Then, after the birds were trained, the researchers changed the reinforcement schedule. Birds got a pellet every 97 pecks, then every 140 pecks, then every 14 pecks. Those pigeons were so confused, they didn’t know what to do. They had learned their behaviorso well that they continued, day after day, to peck 3 times to get their food.
Children, like pigeons, are creatures of habit. If you don’t believe that statement, just try leaving out one thing in your bedtime routine as you’re tucking your child in. Listen to what happens: “Uh, Mommy, you forgot to rub my cheek. You always rub my cheek.” Remember Matthew, who was used to the routine of milk and cookies after preschool? It was only when his routine was broken that he was ready to listen to his mother and learn to behave differently.
Children learn a behavior, then keep pecking at it to get their reward. That’s why those of you who have younger children will have an easier time—your pigeons have had less time to peck for the reward. If you have a child 12 years old or older, he has had a lot more time to peck for those pellets. It will require more effort on your part. But you can still do it by Friday if you stick to your guns. If you want your child to be responsible, I’ll show you how to get there. If you want him to be teachable and listen, I’llshow you how to get there. It’s what you both deserve.
So how do you effect change in your relationship with your child? You retrain your pigeon. You use consistency and follow-through to make your point, never wavering from the goal.
How Does It Work?
Let’s say your child wants McDonald’s at the mall, but you don’t have money for McDonald’s. He pitches an all-out flailing temper tantrum, and you’re terribly embarrassed. What do you do?
“Mark, we’re not getting McDonald’s.”
Then you turn your back on your child and walk away.
“But, Dr. Leman, wait right there,” some of you are saying. “You don’t mean you should leave a 6-year-old alone at a mall, do you? How could you just walk away?”
Ah, but here’s the key. Your child doesn’t want you to go away. He won’t allow you to get very far. He just wants to do battle with you. He wants to win.
As soon as that child takes a look at your retreating back in the crowd, all of a sudden his fit isn’t so fun anymore. Winning the battle isn’t so important anymore. Finding and following Mommy—his safety zone—is.
Let’s say you see your 3-year-old purposefully knock over his 18-month-old sister, who’s just learning how to walk. Are you angry? Of course. That was downright mean, and you’re not going to stand for it. Not to mention the fact that 18-month-old Caroline is now crying. But first you take a breath and think through your strategy. Then you call Andy over to you.
“Andy, do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.”
You took the fun out of that behavior by naming the purposive nature of the behavior for the child. By doing so, the child knows that you know exactly what happened and why he did what he did. You’re the one in control, not him. He doesn’t have a reason to do it the next time.
Let’s say your teenager throws you some choice words because you’re having chicken for